I love children, especially when they cry and someone takes them away.
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*clicks open my pocket watch with a glance before snapping it shut* as suspected I still cannot tell time
For as long as that song was, you’d think the Ghost Busters would have mentioned their phone number at least once…
ME[David Attenborough voice] Starting with the outer layers he’ll devour the entire carcass
HER: are you narrating yourself eating lasagna?
“I’m really good in bed”
-Ice cream
Friend: we’re going to Mexico this summer!
Me: I just bought a sensible lavender cardigan on clearance at Target, Jessica. I really don’t have time for your drama.
My last cat loved deli meat, chicken pot pie, and spaghetti. Beto just looks at human food from across the room like “did it come out of a bag with my face on it? No?? That’s what I thought”
It’s raining outside but the weather report assured me that it’s not so I’m not sure what to wear.
BRITS: Put extra vowels in all of the words!
WELSH: Fckn Brts tk r vwls. Lts jst mk nw wrds wtht thm, xcpt y. Y cn sty.
Never mistake my kindness for weakness. Never mistake my silence for approval. And never, ever, mistake my appetizer for a sharing platter.
This is worse than season 7 of The Walking Dead
[waterloo]
napoleon: wow. that was really embarrassing
general: yea
napoleon: hope nobody writes a song about this
If it says “typing” for more then 2 minutes… you’re gonna have a bad time.
I make a mortgage-sized payment monthly to send my kid to preschool. Today, I have to pick him up early so they can close to then reopen an hour later for an art show where I can pay a second time to buy art my kid made while I paid for him to be there.
I didn’t eat the side of fries bc they were soggy, room temperature and not bringing any joy. So yeah I’m on the Marie Kondo diet now.
The Rock is always beating people up in movies & yet no one has thought to throw a ream of paper at him
Whenever the Starbucks guy asks for my name I laugh and whisper “I’m seeing someone”
My daughter just told me she likes a boy, so I sent him 12 pictures of my gun collection…being a dad is awesome.
Laughed so hard tears ran down my leg.
If I’m ever in jail my one call is going to be to the Koolaid guy.
GF: “Can I be frank?”
Me: “Sure, but I’d be more comfortable if you were a woman.”
I don’t mean to brag but I stopped eating an incredible meal because I was full and didn’t need anymore.
Excuse me while I go powder the inside of my nose.
I’m suspicious of polyamory because a good relationship is like a conspiracy to assassinate the president. You must trust in your fellow conspirators completely, so you have to keep the group as small as possible.
Wine doesn’t have many vitamins. That’s why you have to drink a lot of it.
UK rappers be like “I’ve got a posh flat and my bird is very comely, I own more motors than the marchioness of cholmondeley”
14: ‘What’s an inheritance?’
Me: ‘Nothing you need to worry about, really.’
The only difference between the 13yr old me and the 28yr old me is that my kool-aid now contains vodka.
Me: You a good personal trainer?
Him: You bet your emotionally distant dad I am.
Me: [through tears] Wow, that’s personal. You’re hired.
I just asked my kids to jump into a bubbling magma pit.
Just kidding, I asked them to eat the dinner I cooked for them, but their reaction fits that magma scenario
Therapists listen to anything you wanna say. The other day I was like “there is so much hair in the world and I feel like we could be doing something powerful with it but the hairdressers won’t comply” and my therapist just nodded