@Tmoney68

I love Chinese food as much as the next guy, but you’ll never convince me a chicken fried this rice.

You Might Also Like

@truegritrumble

WIFE: Were you harassing that old gypsy woman again?
ME: *fighting off a crow* Of course not!
WIFE: You lying to me?
ME: No.
*rains frogs*

@SteveSuckington

Is it still illegal to run someone over with your car if they’re wearing camouflage?

@WhaJoTalkinBout

tattoo artist: so you want a pair of scissors, are you a hair stylist

me: no I just hate running

@saggiesplinters

I miss bars. I miss ordering a nice drink and having multiple people ask me if I’m a model. Then more people ask me if I’m a model. Everyone at the bar would start yelling “are you a model?!”until I’d have to stand on the bar and make a formal announcement that I am NOT a model

@ThaJawn

Me: *empties 4’s maracas

4: *shakes maracas* They’re broken

Me: Oh no.. What happend?

@JackeeHarry

It’s going to take 14 years to put Harriet on the $20? I’ve got a friend in Chesterfield Square who can print some off in an hour..

@bornmiserable

HIM: if you have a moment, I’d like to talk to you about Jesus
ME: are his grades slipping again

@NewDadNotes

[inventing oatmeal]

make sure it never comes out of the bowl once it dries

@scottdedalus

Just thinking up snappy comebacks to painful conversations I had 22 years ago. What are YOU doing?

@atamba_lakeli

My boyfriend recently called me his woman
And now we’re living in the jungle, wearing deer skin and hunting for food