I love Chinese food as much as the next guy, but you’ll never convince me a chicken fried this rice.
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Nothing judges you harder than a cat staring at you.
I think Amazon is missing a big opportunity to get into the paint industry. They could make big bucks selling Amazon Primer. #tuesdaymotivations
My boss accused me of sticking my finger in his BD cake in the break room fridge, but he is completely wrong, it wasn’t my finger.
Dating is easy. You just *goes into fetal position*
My trainer suggested I get a tennis ball to message my back. I got it, but it just sits there. How do you make it go?
I think all the people named Shawn, Sean and Shaun should fight onto death and the winner gets to keep the name.
Just told my son to “wipe that smile off your face” and I swear I heard my dad laughing from 3,000 miles away
Remember, when asking for a raise, it is considered customary to be sober.
I’m at the point in my life where my favorite Mexican restaurant is based solely on how big the margaritas are.
My neighbor was all like sorry I can’t stop to chat I’m running late. And I was all like it’s my lucky day. And she was like what. And I was all like have a great day!
Men love me.
Germs fear me.Or vice versa, whatever
rumpelstiltskin: your child is mine unless you can guess my name within three days
barista: oh no
Everyone’s a genius until faced with an alien coffee maker
thesaurus had the greatest vocabulary of all the dinosaurs
Me, losing my shit:
Heeere shitty, shitty, shitty!
Me: I have shark like reflexes
“Don’t you mean cat like reflexes”
Me: NO!
*i charge*
*he bops me on the nose*
*I run away*
ME: William Shatner ate breakfast before he goes to the gym.
TEACHER: It should all be present tense.
ME: William Shitner eats breakfast before he goes to the gym.
I run up to the firefighter as he drags another charred body out of my burning home. “Did you see a zip disk labeled POEMS in there?”
me: my sister’s getting married, want to be my date?
her: wedding attire?
me: no, judith, she’s marrying a man
Mary had a little lamb.. And then she had a very large kebab.
You can always count on me to bring my famous recipe of “bag of ice” to your summer cookout.
I once saw a man walk barefoot across hot coals, and I thought, wow, he could’ve just walked around those. Idiot.
I convinced my spouse we needed more “security” but mostly I wanted a video doorbell on our backdoor so I could watch live streams of our dogs all day.
I’m going on my first date in years, and I’ve forgotten the proper etiquette. Do I cry after dessert, or when he’s paid the bill?
Sighing loudly at a Hogwarts meeting and saying, “This could have been an owl.”
🎵Whooooaaaa, I’m halfway therrreee
WHOOOAAAA, LOSING ALL MY HAIRRRR
Take this wig, we’ll fake it I swearrrrr
WHOAOHH, LOSING ALL MY HAIRRR🎶
I decided to become a dad when I noticed how many kids never finish their nuggets.
“Please use handrail. Or you know what? Go on, break your neck because you didn’t use the handrail just to spite me.”
-if my mom had been the recorded voice at the airport
BRAIN: here comes a compliment guys
HEART: yay!
ANXIETY: idk about this
INSECURITY: [bats it away] close one
50 shades – only romantic because the guy is a billionaire. If he lived in a trailer, it would be another episode of criminal minds