I love Chinese food as much as the next guy, but you’ll never convince me a chicken fried this rice.

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WIFE: Were you harassing that old gypsy woman again?
ME: *fighting off a crow* Of course not!
WIFE: You lying to me?
ME: No.
*rains frogs*


Is it still illegal to run someone over with your car if they’re wearing camouflage?


tattoo artist: so you want a pair of scissors, are you a hair stylist

me: no I just hate running


I miss bars. I miss ordering a nice drink and having multiple people ask me if I’m a model. Then more people ask me if I’m a model. Everyone at the bar would start yelling “are you a model?!”until I’d have to stand on the bar and make a formal announcement that I am NOT a model


Me: *empties 4’s maracas

4: *shakes maracas* They’re broken

Me: Oh no.. What happend?


It’s going to take 14 years to put Harriet on the $20? I’ve got a friend in Chesterfield Square who can print some off in an hour..


HIM: if you have a moment, I’d like to talk to you about Jesus
ME: are his grades slipping again


[inventing oatmeal]

make sure it never comes out of the bowl once it dries


Just thinking up snappy comebacks to painful conversations I had 22 years ago. What are YOU doing?


My boyfriend recently called me his woman
And now we’re living in the jungle, wearing deer skin and hunting for food