The opposite of Thanksgiving leftovers is Thanksgiving rightunders.
I’m so sorry
I love complimenting my parents for how they raised me because I’m really complimenting myself for how great I turned out.
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“Guests, like fish, begin to smell after three days.”
That’s why I keep everyone who comes to visit in the freezer.
“Ride or die” seems a bit dramatic. I’m looking for a “ride or maybe go our separate ways if things aren’t working out.”
Note to Self:
‘Try actually reading these once in a while.’
your call is important to us. like, super important. we all bought new outfits for this call. dave is wearing a wig
every night, for a year straight, this guy has dm’d me what he’s having for dinner. every night. for an entire year
Moose: Sorry, I need to quit this yoga class.
Yoga Instructor: NahMooseStay!
Unfortunately a recent breakthrough in therapy means I must say goodbye to my comfort swords, my acceptance machete, and my protection bomb.
New evidence shows #marijuana not only helps with cancer side effects but may fight cancer itself! Oh pot, is there anything u can’t do?
Wife: “Did you lock the backdoor?”
Me: “Yes I did.”
Burglar from downstairs: “No he didn’t!”