@Rohit_And_Run

I love complimenting my parents for how they raised me because I’m really complimenting myself for how great I turned out.

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@TheBoydP

The opposite of Thanksgiving leftovers is Thanksgiving rightunders.

I’m so sorry

@PinkCamoTO

“Guests, like fish, begin to smell after three days.”

That’s why I keep everyone who comes to visit in the freezer.

@Kid_topher

“Ride or die” seems a bit dramatic. I’m looking for a “ride or maybe go our separate ways if things aren’t working out.”

@mack44_d

Note to Self:

‘Try actually reading these once in a while.’

@WigCannon

your call is important to us. like, super important. we all bought new outfits for this call. dave is wearing a wig

@rudy_mustang

every night, for a year straight, this guy has dm’d me what he’s having for dinner. every night. for an entire year

@QwertyJones3

Moose: Sorry, I need to quit this yoga class.

Yoga Instructor: NahMooseStay!

@Chumpstring

Unfortunately a recent breakthrough in therapy means I must say goodbye to my comfort swords, my acceptance machete, and my protection bomb.

@billmaher

New evidence shows #marijuana not only helps with cancer side effects but may fight cancer itself! Oh pot, is there anything u can’t do?

@stephenjmolloy

Wife: “Did you lock the backdoor?”

Me: “Yes I did.”

Burglar from downstairs: “No he didn’t!”