I love complimenting my parents for how they raised me because I’m really complimenting myself for how great I turned out.

You Might Also Like


The opposite of Thanksgiving leftovers is Thanksgiving rightunders.

I’m so sorry


“Guests, like fish, begin to smell after three days.”

That’s why I keep everyone who comes to visit in the freezer.


“Ride or die” seems a bit dramatic. I’m looking for a “ride or maybe go our separate ways if things aren’t working out.”


Note to Self:

‘Try actually reading these once in a while.’


your call is important to us. like, super important. we all bought new outfits for this call. dave is wearing a wig


every night, for a year straight, this guy has dm’d me what he’s having for dinner. every night. for an entire year


Moose: Sorry, I need to quit this yoga class.

Yoga Instructor: NahMooseStay!


Unfortunately a recent breakthrough in therapy means I must say goodbye to my comfort swords, my acceptance machete, and my protection bomb.


New evidence shows #marijuana not only helps with cancer side effects but may fight cancer itself! Oh pot, is there anything u can’t do?


Wife: “Did you lock the backdoor?”

Me: “Yes I did.”

Burglar from downstairs: “No he didn’t!”