Obamacare? More like “Obama? I don’t care for that guy!!!” Honk if you want poor people to die
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My husband did a load of dishes and folded a load of laundry and then complained that I didn’t even notice and I laughed so hard I almost coughed up a lung.
*flagging down passing pizza delivery vehicle*
I’LL PAY YOU TWICE WHAT THEY WERE GOING TO PAY YOU
My hobbies include knitting and leaving one star reviews on recipes when I used different ingredients and different techniqes and it turned out gross.
I’ve never had houseplants before. What kind of toys do they like?
Thinking about that time my mom was taking a photo of me & said I looked way too stiff & too posed & her solution was to hand me a gourd.
sister in law asked me to get yellow onion from the store. lady it’s called a lemon
No, I would NEVER put you on mute
I’m getting to the age where I have to drink milk to strengthen my bones or I could die if someone shoots me in the face.
Toh the desire to sin is so great 😜😂😄🤣🤷😜
9, playing an iPad game: Weird… I accidentally did something and my character became fat.
Me: Same.
I hope this year they have the courage to legalize diarrhea.
Pennies from heaven would actually be quite devastating.
The asteroid..
I’m going to steal my own tweets and get mad at myself.
I hate it when I sit down on a warm public toilet seat and I have to set myself on fire.
Got all naked, baby oiled myself up, and jumped on his desk.
Slid into the wall so hard I’m suction-cupped
a whale can launch it’s entire body out of the ocean and you have trouble getting out of bed in the morning
Sorry I called your huge zit pimple poppenheimer
I fear that one day I’ll click on “Forgot password?” and it will say “We’re not telling you. This is going to be a learning experience.”
Oh, I just remembered. You’re boring…. and my legs work!
I just pulled a muscle tearing up my gym membership card.
Just tried to watch a James Bond movie and wow, first thing that happens is he walks into frame and fires his gun at me, the viewer. I have never felt so disrespected in my entire life and expect better from a man wearing a tuxedo. One star.
me (under my breath): don’t let her know how awkward you are
date: what are you having
me: an ok time
( spelling bee )
Your word is “passive-aggressive”
“Can you use it in a sentence?”
Sure, kid.
I’ll hold up the contest just for you.
11-year-old: *practicing her saxophone at home* How was that?
Me: Great!
11: Want to hear it again?
Me: I can only take so much greatness in one day.
Instead of a dress code every senator should get to choose how one other senator dresses.
Netflix needs to stop asking if I’m still watching and start asking if I moved the laundry to the dryer yet.
Zoom is really only for one thing: realizing our dream of staring at ourselves while talking to other people.
My kid spends so much time at the nurse’s office she now has a medical degree.
My kids used to get so mad at me for not picking them up after school. But, good mothers don’t drink and drive.