i love driving becuase it combines my love of sitting with my love of being mad
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Told my mother that I have a problem with self-loathing. She said at least I’m a good judge of character.
I often fantasize about lying naked in bed, surrounded by various bags of chips and I have octopus arms so I can eat all the chips at once.
I can’t be a sellout. I have no idea what anyone wants.
Feeling sad because my hamster died… Well he’s not ‘technically’ dead yet, but I ran out of food so it’s really just a matter of days.
History fun fact:
In the Middle Ages, anyone could get a concealed carry permit. You never knew who might have a trebuchet tucked under their coat or a siege tower in their pants. Dangerous times.
Me: *listening to the puppy drink water in the next room* you’re creating urine. Please stop
My 12 yo has this bizarre illness where he suddenly needs to spend 20 minutes pooping every time we start doing the dishes.
“What’s that?”
I call it a ‘knife’
“Wow, that’s the best thing since bread!”
Gregory, I am about to blow your mind
When the priest says “Body of Christ” I say “Thanks, I’ve been working out.”
Then I grab the cracker and run back to my seat.
I went for a hill walk in the rain yesterday. Anyway long story short, I can still do the splits
You say illegal, I say added to my bucket list.
Twitter announced today that they’ve lost 134 million dollars this year. I don’t know if they want us to look for it or what the deal is.
My boss said he likes how I remain so calm under pressure. Can’t tell him it’s because I don’t give a shit
By now you know I’ve attempted some radical experiments with the unrivaled packaging of the ‘peanut butter cup.’ Of course, my ‘ham cup’ was a colossal failure. Yet I didn’t give up, but doubled down! And now I can reveal my new creation. I present to you, The Bar-B-Que Ham Tub!
“Get off the phone”
“Wash your hands”
“Pull up your pants”
“Make me dinner”My son runs a pretty tight ship in our household
Me: Yeah like that, baby.
Him: *caresses my back, plays with my hair*
Me: *moans*
Him: *growls* I’m gonna do so many–
Me: *snores, drools*
“I have a date with destiny”
Yeah well, I’m in a long term relationship with the consequences of my actions
“Pay no attention to the man behind the curtain.”
– me, peeping at you in the shower
Bad cop *plants drugs in perps car*
Gardener cop *adds mulch & Miracle-Gro®*
You know your cooking sucks when you toss your leftovers down the garbage disposal and it throws them up again.
What’s the most upsetting moment in every movie? I say it’s when the hero goes into bar and orders “a beer,” never says what kind, and the bartender doesn’t ask
Day 5 of self quarantine:
My all hamster version of The Sound of Music has hit a snag because Maria ate three of the Von Trapp children
Today from 9 to 10 AM we are having an all-hands family seminar on how to replace an empty toilet paper roll.
Her: You’re so skeptical of everything.
Me: I can’t believe you just said that.
My 4yo has been wrapping up his toys in newspaper and giving them to me as gifts all morning.
Really wishing right now I had bought him better shit.
My memoir is titled:
“#2 (not a sequel)”
Remember when we thought 2016 was a particularly bad year?
*Laughs in 2020*
Her “I think my homeopath is poisoning me.”
Him “How can you tell?”
Her “I got my water tested and there was no trace of poison in it.”
i woke up haunted by when a girl DMed me on here to say “how do u know my bf”. i said “we’re just mutuals. i don’t really know him”. she responded and said “well i read all of ur DMs to him”. i went to look at my DMs with him and they were us going back and forth ranking seltzer
Half of answering the landline as a kid was yelling “Mom! It’s for you!”