@jonnysun

i love driving becuase it combines my love of sitting with my love of being mad

i love driving becuase it combines my love of sitting with my love of being mad

- @jonnysun

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@ArfMeasures

Cop: Can you describe the man who hit you with a baseball bat?

Me: So you want me a paint a “pitcher” lol

Cop: ok at least we know why he did it

@Shen_the_Bird

her: what’s this writing on your hand

me: I was cheating on an exam

her: it just says “hand”

me: yeah it was an anatomy exam

@tatsabrat

My creepy neighbour asked me if I think he’s creepy. The fact that he asked through my bathroom window after my shower just made it awkward

@Eightinchgoat

Your internet girlfriend is getting yelled at by his wife right now.

@secondofhername

OMG THIS IS SUCH A SURPRISE THE THOUGHT OF WINNING AFTER A NOMINATION IS A PHENOMENA THAT BLOWS MY MIND HOW DID IT HAPPEN
– All Emmy winners

@aLunchBox

I hate when fire trucks drive real slow with the siren on. There’s one behind me right now. So annoying.

@hazelmotes1

I constantly google “how to put your kids up for adoption” so my kids can find it on my search history and know that I’m not messing around.

@TurnpikeTony

I better fix the hinge on this cabinet door before Ryan Gosling comes over, takes his shirt off and builds my lady a house.