@callmeEvian
Kid, texting: MOM I’M HUNGRY!
Mom: *sends food emojis*
@mydmac
I love eating Swiss pancakes. They’re like regular pancakes but neutral, so I can eat as many as I want.
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@callmeEvian
@SortaBad
Judge: Ms Spears, how do you plea?
“I’m not. that. innocent.”
*frustrated defense counsel tosses like 9000 papers in the air*
@Playing_Dad
Pizza Hut: Hello
Me: I’d like a hot dog bites pizzas
PH: Pick up or delivery?
Me: Based on that order, you think I get off the couch?
@clindsaysway
Him: Take them off. All of them.
*slowly unbuttons 50 cardigans
@jonnysun
ten years ago we had Jason Shoes, Carl Shirt and Daniel Problem. now we have no shoes no shirt no problem welcom to dennys what can i get u
@Brampersandon_
ME: need help?
GIRL (having car trouble): could u give me a jump
ME: *inflating the bounce house I keep in my trunk* I thought u’d never ask
@Cycloptomese
Preemptively looking in the fridge to see if my wife might need anything from the store in order to decide if I’m going to let her know that I’m going to the store or just sneak out.
@mommajessiec
Marriage is funny. I say potato and my husband says what’s with the credit card bill.
@StaciedeNOLA
If you think grammar isn’t important, well, it’s.
@mastrap84
Kids don’t care what their parents do or have done in life. I could cure cancer and my kids would be like LET ME TALK TO YOU ABOUT MINECRAFT, PEASANT