I’m pretty sure the chick at this drive thru had me repeat, ‘I’ll take a number two’, multiple times so she could laugh at me.
I love eating Swiss pancakes. They’re like regular pancakes but neutral, so I can eat as many as I want.
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Me: there’s no “u” in team
Canadian: we’ll see about that bud
“What’s your name?”
“I am Daenerys Targaryen, Mother of Dragons, Khaleesi to Drogo’s riders-”
*Starbucks barista quits on the spot*
*Calling from the bakery
Me: “Honey, can I get you something: a muffin, eclair, a cupcake?”
Her: “Surprise me!”
Me: “I think I’m gay”
I walked into a room full of men and they couldn’t stop staring at me.
Wife: It’s fine
*Miles away an old sea captain* My knee is a tingling. Aye a storm is headed this way
Don’t give her a Fitbit for Mother’s Day. I repeat, don’t give her a Fitbit for Mother’s Day.
[First day as a henchman in a video game]
Me: how about we safely store these red flammable barrels somewhere instead of using them for cover?
Nativity scenes become something else entirely if you put a fork and knife in the hands of the adults.
Her: What do you do for a living
Me: I’m a truck driver
Me: A food truck driver
Her: here’s my number