I love eating Swiss pancakes. They’re like regular pancakes but neutral, so I can eat as many as I want.

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I’m pretty sure the chick at this drive thru had me repeat, ‘I’ll take a number two’, multiple times so she could laugh at me.


Me: there’s no “u” in team

Canadian: we’ll see about that bud


“What’s your name?”
“I am Daenerys Targaryen, Mother of Dragons, Khaleesi to Drogo’s riders-”
*Starbucks barista quits on the spot*


*Calling from the bakery

Me: “Honey, can I get you something: a muffin, eclair, a cupcake?”

Her: “Surprise me!”

Me: “I think I’m gay”


I walked into a room full of men and they couldn’t stop staring at me.

Oh…wrong toilets.


Wife: It’s fine

*Miles away an old sea captain* My knee is a tingling. Aye a storm is headed this way


Don’t give her a Fitbit for Mother’s Day. I repeat, don’t give her a Fitbit for Mother’s Day.


[First day as a henchman in a video game]

Me: how about we safely store these red flammable barrels somewhere instead of using them for cover?


Nativity scenes become something else entirely if you put a fork and knife in the hands of the adults.


*speed dating*

Her: What do you do for a living

Me: I’m a truck driver

Her: …oh…

Me: A food truck driver

Her: here’s my number