[to son before going in house] remember its opposite day
wife: how was go karting?
son: dad didnt take off his helmet and throw it at anyone
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Pretty wild how people love surprises until that surprise is finding you hiding in their bushes
I’m convinced that anytime an employee at a shoe store goes into the back room looking for your size they enter Narnia, romp around for a few hours forgetting about work, and then come back and just tell you no they don’t have your size.
God *creates a worm* hello little buddy!
Worm: Thanks for the “worm” welcome haha
God *creates birds*
“It’s April Fools Day. I can’t wait to play tricks on Dad ALL day.” – my 5yo. His first trick: Getting him “coffee,” but putting water in his cup instead. He is so excited.
My teen would like you to know I ruined her life when I did her laundry today.
Executive: What should we name the mutant with neato magnetic powers?
Me: [clearly joking] How about Mag-Neato?
Exec: damn that’s so good
My dog will literally sneeze in my face, but if I dare sneeze in the same room as him, he looks at me like I’ve offended him and 4 generations of his ancestors
“What do you think you’re doing?”
“I was just-“
“Where am I, Jessica?”
“In the basket.”
“And what does that mean?”
“It’s YOU time?”
“It’s ME time. What else?”
“No touching?”
“No touching.”
9 year-old attempts to follow a recipe:
“It says here to separate the eggs. How far apart do they have to be?”
Pro Tip : Give the person interviewing you “something to remember” doesn’t means giving them a bite mark.
I’m curious about the first person who saw an egg drop out of a chicken & said, “I’m going to eat that.”
Twinkle twinkle little whore, close your legs they’re not a door.
My husband and I make a good team. I’m about to start cooking Thanksgiving dinner, and he’s taking the batteries out of the smoke detectors.
I’m going to say sky diving is probably not for me since I just screamed when the toilet seat shifted.
I’m not sure what a Doja Cat is but sadly I’ve learned it’s not a place for your cats to practice their karate moves
How to make infinite energy.
INTERVIEWER: What did you like most about your last job?
ME: *leans in way too close* Leaving it.
Why use words you don’t understand in your tweets? It just makes you look photosynthesis.
My workout routine? You mean hunting for the tv remote?
Inflation has drastically altered what it means to say “I just ate $25 worth of Taco Bell”
carolers: *knock on door*
(Simon Cowell answers the door)
carolers: *gulp*
When I’m bored nobody texts me but as soon as I get busy as hell… BAM… still nobody texts me.
They should combine weather forecasts with horoscopes. “Tomorrow there’s a 60% chance of rain and a 40% chance you’ll reconnect with an old friend.”
I don’t want the baby mountain goat to die but I don’t want the snow leopard to starve. Why do we even watch these nature shows?
“we’re out of bread”
“ciabatta be kidding!”
[waiter takes out gun]
“make another bread pun and ur toast, pal… shit”
[i take out my gun]
the most audacious part of the trojan horse plan must’ve been trying to keep all the soldiers inside from giggling so much
Me: “I need big girl clothes.”
Him: “You haven’t gained that much.”
Me: “I meant adult clothes for work.”
Him: “Does the couch pull out?”
Marriages are like pancakes. Sometimes you gotta throw the first one out
*tries to flirt*
*twirls hair in fingers*
*fingers get caught in giant knot*
*learns to live using only one arm*
[funeral]
WIDOW (sobbing): i’ll never see him again
ME: what if there was a way you could
WIFE (knowing im about to pitch my idea for Above Ground Cemeteries Inc): we should leave