@jegheterbella

I love Ebay. Sold my homing pigeon 8 times last month.

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@louisvirtel

I was worried that Tim Kaine was too boring and then I remembered entertainment is what got us into this mess.

@samelpan

I can tell if someone’s hot by looking at them

@not_thenanny

4 YO: Mom, Can you help me open this?

Me: Yeah, in a minute

4 YO: Ok. Alexa, set a one minute timer

@SteveKoehler22

My new dry-erase whiteboard can be
summed up in one word : “remarkable”

@TheBoydP

Pro tip: No matter how much you hate wrapping, never ask your wife to wrap her own Christmas presents.

@wettbutt

uh oh we better all stand up for the old man in the dress who bangs a tiny hammer down or he might decide that we have to live in a cage

@mom_ontherocks

Preteen: mom whyyyyyy do I have to take a shower

Also preteen: *takes 45 minute shower*

@AudreyPorne

[2.13am]
me: when cows die do they become cow ghosts? imagine being haunted by a cow ghost.
him: *deletes my number*