I love Ebay. Sold my homing pigeon 8 times last month.

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I was worried that Tim Kaine was too boring and then I remembered entertainment is what got us into this mess.


I can tell if someone’s hot by looking at them


4 YO: Mom, Can you help me open this?

Me: Yeah, in a minute

4 YO: Ok. Alexa, set a one minute timer


My new dry-erase whiteboard can be
summed up in one word : “remarkable”


Pro tip: No matter how much you hate wrapping, never ask your wife to wrap her own Christmas presents.


uh oh we better all stand up for the old man in the dress who bangs a tiny hammer down or he might decide that we have to live in a cage


Preteen: mom whyyyyyy do I have to take a shower

Also preteen: *takes 45 minute shower*


me: when cows die do they become cow ghosts? imagine being haunted by a cow ghost.
him: *deletes my number*