DOCTOR: I think you have a curvature of the upper spine
QUASIMODO: That a diagnosis?
D: We need an X-ray to confirm. Right now it’s a hunch
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My coworker told me he got banned from a bar when he lived in North Dakota back in 1973 and didn’t try going back to it for 30 years but he finally did and the moment he stepped in someone yelled “Get the hell out of here Dennis” And that’s probably my favorite story ever
I have bent many spoons in my life, the vast majority of which involved ice cream. Therefore, ice cream is the primary ingredient of activating supernatural powers.
I warned my wife the tattooist was no good and sure enough she came back with disappointment written all over her face.
It’s like my Grandma always says, “I died three years ago. This is starting to get weird.”
I hope I never meet a genie offering one wish as picking between unlimited doughnuts or going to Sesame Street is gonna be impossible
Life tip – buy a birthday card with your morning bottle of wine and people will think it’s a gift.
You are welcome.
I THOUGHT IT WAS AN EDIBLE
Me: I hate people.
H: I challenge you to say something positive.
Me: I’m positive I hate people.
I miss this era type of pranks😭
“I’m having a public meltdown!!” – A Snowman, maybe.
Cool thing about LA is that I get to meet dogs who are more successful than me.
General Lee didn’t have kids?
A parent Lee not.
I haven’t broken a mirror lately, but my water broke and I’ve had seven years of kids crawling into my bed
Me: Go get everyone for dinner please
6: (SCREAMS) EVERYBODY DINNER!
Me: I meant go walk and get them
6: But I like using my mommy voice
Me:
6: The screaming
Me: I got it
Got the dermatologist recommended detergent and dryer sheets and I’m pretty sure it would’ve been cheaper to just buy a whole new body.
I was at Asda today and a child was misbehaving so his mother pointed at me saying “if you don’t stop he’s gonna take you away” like wtf no im not
While I appreciate that you’re bringing sexy back, if we’re not also discussing who took sexy away, we’re only enabling future sexy problems
Marriage license: Contractual agreement to laugh at your spouse’s same three bad jokes for life.
Go ahead and call HR, I don’t even work here.
I know it sounds mean but when I’m mad at my wife and want to lash out, I’ll put a whisk in the spatula drawer when I’m emptying the dishwasher.
Thanks, baby Jesus, for helping me get that new job instead of helping millions of children find water and food. I know it was a tough call.
Boss: Are you high?
[Me watching him evaporate] I hope so.
As an adult you should already know shit like if you’re standing in the rain you should wear a rain coat and if you’re standing in a trench, you should wear a trench coat
“Well butter my biscuit”
-The Pillsbury Doughboy receiving a compliment
Perfect pizza run just now. Every light was green, every merge clear, cop chasing me got in an accident, I couldn’t believe my luck.
What doesn’t kill you makes you come up with stupid clichés.
Sure I could get off the couch & put new batteries in this remote but instead I am going to hold it high above my head & at different angles
[cop writing me a ticket]
me: cmon can you just give me a warning?
cop: sure *leans in* warning, you’re about to get a ticket
Want to send a 4-year-old boy into a blind rage? Repeatedly tell him he’s wrong and you are positive their names are “Batman and Robert”.