I love gay people. Or as I sometimes call them, “people.”
You Might Also Like
Very funny, whoever wrote WASH ME in the dust on my box of condoms.
Me: Sometimes I like to relax under a shady tree and read a book.
Tree: THAT WAS MY SON!
My wife is constantly accusing me of being racist.I dont care what she says,Im black,shes black,it should concern me that our baby is white
Me: I’m having a bad day!
Brain: You should buy those $300 headphones so you feel better.
Me: You’re making a lot of sense right now.
fed my baby with a knife* today if you’re wondering how hard core of a dad I am
*blunted, plastic butter knife
There was no Internet when I was a kid. If you wanted to talk to a pervert, you had to go find one.
All firemen must dread the moment when they’re done for the day and have to find the strength to climb back up the pole.
Person: I like for people to spell out what they want.
Me: C-h-e-e-s-e.
Wife: You won’t believe what Diane did at work today
Me: (thinking, “I don’t care”)
Wife: I heard that
I’m a 40 yr old man sitting at a Café with my eyes closed, squirting packets of mayo from under the table at the window as people walk by.
I thought 2020 was just going to be a bunch of bad eyesight jokes but no it’s much worse
Me: Good morning. Allow me to sprinkle some positivity on this gloomy Monday morning.
HR: You can’t just throw glitter at people.
After my virtual doctors appointment I had a nap so good that I forgot I was in Vegas, woke up, and scared the shit outta myself.
if i were Will Smith in iRobot, i’d simply defeat the robots by asking them to identify which of the following pictures contains a bicycle
My neighbor totally has heads in his freezer.
– My neighbor
That hurricane will bounce as soon as it hits LA because it can’t afford the rent.
Me: Just because you don’t have school doesn’t mean you can go without pants.
5yo: I’m just gonna wear these invisible pants.
*tumbles down basement stairs, laundry flying everywhere*
Me: *whispers through pain* parkour…
Stop telling people to cut toxic relationships out of their lives! I’m starting to run out of friends you guys.
One interesting thing I learned in my thirties is that you can leave a bar before it closes.
Friend: just be yourself.
Me: Be myself? Be myself?!
Some of the most successful people I know aren’t myself. That’s horrible advice
This recipe calls for half an onion, which presumes I have a plan for the other half of the onion, which means the recipe is getting the whole onion.
[USPS]
M: *hands change of address form*
C: Ma’am, this just says “bathtub.”
M: I live there now.
C: We can’t send mail to a bathtub.
M: Yay
*scoops litter everyday for 17 yrs*
Kids: We want a kitten!
Me: How about unlimited candy, an Xbox and a PS5 instead?
[walmart]
GREETER: hello 🙂
ME: [leans in close] what’s the cheapest toilet paper you got
GREETER: i don’t know offhand
ME: you’re disgusting
[first guy to discover magic mushrooms]
those…those were not portobellos
Ever pick a booger so big that you get it out and suddenly it’s like you’re on top of a mountain, inhaling the world’s largest and most refreshing breath of air that ever was breathed?
“Let me get this straight, you got your asses kicked by four fully mature mutant ninja turtles?”
“No, sir, it’s actually worse than that.”
out of the blue my 10 yr old asked me if i was running for president and i said no and then he put his arm around me and said it was time for a woman to be president and it should be me and we hugged and hugged and then he asked for a video game he wanted
Witch Mom: ugh you spend all day on that HexBox
Witch Son: ok broomer