I love getting kisses from my dogs but, I’m starting to worry about the one who keeps trying to give me the slow tongue.

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On the street or subway you can only imagine what that idiot is thinking. On Twitter, you get to see what that idiot is thinking.


Maybe I did use cilantro because I knew you hate it, but good luck proving that.


you’ve never seen climate change and peppa pig in the same room have you.


If someone steals your identity, you should have every right to kill them. What are they gonna do, arrest you for suicide?


“I see you’ve been eating whatever you want and not exercising.” -Clothes


Someone at work asked if I’d listened to any good books lately, and now I’ve got a body to dispose of. 🙁


Meeting people from the Internet is a great way to either get murdered or have sex. Either way it sounds great.


[waiter pours me another drink]
Me: I’ve never known anyone to be so late on a first date
Waiter: yes, 4 days is a bit much