@kcmoore51

I love getting kisses from my dogs but, I’m starting to worry about the one who keeps trying to give me the slow tongue.

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@fuqtarded

On the street or subway you can only imagine what that idiot is thinking. On Twitter, you get to see what that idiot is thinking.

@MomOnFire

Maybe I did use cilantro because I knew you hate it, but good luck proving that.

@LlamaInaTux

you’ve never seen climate change and peppa pig in the same room have you.

@DaddyJew

If someone steals your identity, you should have every right to kill them. What are they gonna do, arrest you for suicide?

@Elizasoul80

“I see you’ve been eating whatever you want and not exercising.” -Clothes

@Schmoodles

Someone at work asked if I’d listened to any good books lately, and now I’ve got a body to dispose of. 🙁

@Swishergirl24

Meeting people from the Internet is a great way to either get murdered or have sex. Either way it sounds great.

@david8hughes

[waiter pours me another drink]
Me: I’ve never known anyone to be so late on a first date
Waiter: yes, 4 days is a bit much