Grandma used the same wrapping paper for 25 years, so don’t tell me about the great ‘bargain’ you found.
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Son: Dad can sand melt?
Me putting down my glass: Don’t be ridiculous of course it can’t
In time, the dust settled, and the dust took a job it hated and married someone it could barely tolerate
Signs that your pet dog might be a scorpion:
– Has six legs
– Fewer people want to pet it
– Responds to popular scorpion names like ‘Maurice’ or ‘Steve’
– Has a tail made of ouch
me: “spends hours with my favourite person”
me as soon as they leave:
“POLICE, COME OUT WITH YOUR HANDS UP.”
Show me a badge.
*cop gets badge out*
I didn’t say Simon Says.
“Let’s go home guys. Sorry, my fault.”
This chloroform smells expensiv…
CEO: We will be taking the company photo a fourth time, because it came out blurry AGAIN.
Loch Ness Monster: *sweats, adjusts fake mustache*
The candy shop door swung open and he strode in. Patrons gasped and clerks hid under the counter. He put a smoke out with the heel of his boot, pulled another from his leather jacket, and gripped it with his yellowed teeth. “Oh my god,” a woman whispered, “it’s the fifth dentist”
My parents were very inspirational, they used to say:
“You can do whatever you want in life, as long as you don’t do it here.”
The only difference between a yard sale and a trash pickup is how close to the street the crap is placed.
My toxic trait is opening a message, then replying 10 years later when you’ve forgotten who I am
The “we’re going to need a bigger boat” scene from Jaws but just me looking at the shopping carts at the liquor store.
Me and my dog accidentally butted heads. We’re both fine, but I’m concerned about my wife. She keeps asking me who the President is and I correctly tell her every time Ronald Reagan.
If you haven’t manipulated your kids into calling grandma to ask to sleep over, you’re missing out on a crucial parenting hack.
*BF walks in on me surrounded by dozens of empty Reddi Whip cans*
ARE YOU HUFFING AEROSOL?
Me- *Mouth full of whip cream* –
Yeff
Which is worse: that I had to wear a Frozen bandaid cuz all the regular ones were taken or that I spent 5 min. deciding between Anna & Elsa?
ME: let’s do some lines do you have a dollar bill?
GUY: *pulls out wallet to reveal a badge* bad news buddy
ME: yeah you can’t snort anything with that
Why are you mad at me because YOU’RE an idiot? I didn’t make you stupid.
People who live in glass houses should wear fish costumes.
Driving mom somewhere: 45 min monolog on health troubles of people I never met
Driving dad somewhere: 43 min of silence; 2 min on gas prices
That is the biggest doily I have ever seen.
Car wash vacuums can suck up old french fries, leaves, 57 cents, car keys, Ray-Bans, your first born but not that weird debris stuck in your cupholder.
The doctor said I’m addicted to meat but I said surely it can’t do any ham?
People who say the book is always better than the movie: have you ever actually read “Debbie Does Dallas?”
Sunday
Dr: Do you limit your alcohol intake?
Me: Yes. As soon as I pass out, I’m done.
If anyone asks, I’m only watching three shirtless buff guys work on the neighbour’s roof because home improvement projects are super educational.
“Okay, Bill, now you’re making it awkward.”
I don’t always eat 100-calorie packs of anything, but when I do, I make sure and eat the whole box.
Mom [holding newborn baby]: Let’s name the baby after my grandfather
Dad: What would be the point of naming him after your grandfather already did