I love giving a little kid the tongue, and then watching him run to his mother holding the severed tongue I just gave him.

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What do you get when you cross a Centaur with a Minotaur? Cinnaminotaur. The most delicious of all mythological creatures.


They act like technology is ruining childhood, but back in the day, kids were so bored they would turn their eyelids inside out for fun.


[oval office]

SECRETARY: (shrieks) there’s a dead rat on my desk!

PRESIDENT WHO IS A CAT: wow someone must really like you *winks*


KID: can i eat a tide pod
MOM: no
KID: this is bullshit
MOM: don’t use foul language go wash your mouth out with soap this instant


My wife has been in the bathroom for almost 25 minutes.
Im basically a single dad now


[police stakeout]

me: suspect spotted

partner: again, that’s a dalmation


*swirling Gatorade in a wine glass*

Ah yes, the sportings, I have perused that endeavor. The throwing, the goalings, I love it all.


Having someone cancel plans on you is like watching trash take itself out.


I heard that processed meats are just as bad for you as cigarettes so I’m walking around smoking a hot dog looking cool as hell.