@DurtMcHurtt

I love giving a little kid the tongue, and then watching him run to his mother holding the severed tongue I just gave him.

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@SleazySli

What do you get when you cross a Centaur with a Minotaur? Cinnaminotaur. The most delicious of all mythological creatures.

@Tw1tter_K1tten

They act like technology is ruining childhood, but back in the day, kids were so bored they would turn their eyelids inside out for fun.

@rockymomax

[oval office]

SECRETARY: (shrieks) there’s a dead rat on my desk!

PRESIDENT WHO IS A CAT: wow someone must really like you *winks*

@fro_vo

KID: can i eat a tide pod
MOM: no
KID: this is bullshit
MOM: don’t use foul language go wash your mouth out with soap this instant

@Phook75

My wife has been in the bathroom for almost 25 minutes.
Im basically a single dad now

@GoodZiIIa

[police stakeout]

me: suspect spotted

partner: again, that’s a dalmation

@markydoodoo

*swirling Gatorade in a wine glass*

Ah yes, the sportings, I have perused that endeavor. The throwing, the goalings, I love it all.

@mattZillaaaa

Having someone cancel plans on you is like watching trash take itself out.

@duplicitron

I heard that processed meats are just as bad for you as cigarettes so I’m walking around smoking a hot dog looking cool as hell.