What do you get when you cross a Centaur with a Minotaur? Cinnaminotaur. The most delicious of all mythological creatures.
I love giving a little kid the tongue, and then watching him run to his mother holding the severed tongue I just gave him.
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They act like technology is ruining childhood, but back in the day, kids were so bored they would turn their eyelids inside out for fun.
SECRETARY: (shrieks) there’s a dead rat on my desk!
PRESIDENT WHO IS A CAT: wow someone must really like you *winks*
KID: can i eat a tide pod
KID: this is bullshit
MOM: don’t use foul language go wash your mouth out with soap this instant
My wife has been in the bathroom for almost 25 minutes.
Im basically a single dad now
For the umpteenth time- no, I can’t count
me: suspect spotted
partner: again, that’s a dalmation
*swirling Gatorade in a wine glass*
Ah yes, the sportings, I have perused that endeavor. The throwing, the goalings, I love it all.
Having someone cancel plans on you is like watching trash take itself out.
I heard that processed meats are just as bad for you as cigarettes so I’m walking around smoking a hot dog looking cool as hell.