I love going places just to spend the entire time taking my kids to the bathroom
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[At my front door, speaking to a detective in my robe]
Me : Can I have my robe back, please?
Me: you may find this hard to believe but I have been fooled several times.
Them: No we get that.
Things a raccoon and I have in common:
1) Dark circles around the eyes.
2) Likes eating junk.
3) We’re both cute but will kill you.
boss: you’re working very efficiently
me: oh thanks
boss: so I’m giving you more work
me: wait no you’ve misunderstood why I was being efficient
tfw you have a meeting with your boss, and you aren’t entirely sure if you quit or if you got fired but you definitely don’t work there anymore
My landlord is very strict about dogs. It doesn’t matter how well-behaved they are. He still won’t accept them as a form of rent.
Me: I’m going to eat healthy from now on
Pizza: *exists*
Me: never mind
9-year old: Dad smell this. You licked a puss.
Me: [mutes TV] what
9-year old: it’s so good. Smell it. You licked a puss.
Me: …
9-year old: [hands me a candle jar]
Me. It’s *eucalyptus*
The Church used to teach that all babies that die go to Limbo, but it was easy for them because they’re so short.
“She is not fine.”
~Sun Tzu
Darth Vader- Dark Lord
Ranger- park lord
Neighbor’s dog- bark lord
Marty Byrde- Ozark lord
Noah- ark lord
Twitter celebrity- checkmark lord
DEA chief- narc lord
Brandon- Stark lord
Sarah Silverman- snark lord
Mikhail Gorbachev- birthmark lord
First date:
And if you could slide over a little bit my Mom would like to sit next to you…
A smile can turn someone’s day around, especially if you’re hiding in their closet.
*I gently close front door
Dog: Where have you been?? I was worried sick about you! See that vomit on the floor? That’s because of you!
[buys ghostbusters ringtone]
ME: who ya gonna call?
[1 hour later]
ME: who ya gonna call?!
[2 days later]
ME: *sobbing* I am so lonely
Her: you ever done hot yoga?
*remembering getting stuck in a lawn chair last summer trying to reach my car keys*
Pretty sure
being a liberal is all fun and games until you need a friend with a truck
Maybe the Earth really is flat and we’re just on one of God’s refrigerator magnets.
While everyone is out watching the eclipse, I’m going to launch my career as a burglar.
The first guy who bought pants had to go to the store without pants on, that’s just science
how to exercise your calf muscles
My 6yo asked me if she’s gonna have pubic hair one day and when I told her yes she said, “well, I award THAT zero points.” Today she awarded cheese 100 points. This is the only scale I’ll be using from now on.
My parents didn’t raise me to be disrespectful. I had to practice.
my son and I accidentally ended up on different teams in laser tag and every time I shot him he said “wow” in a dramatic disappointed voice
Call me old fashioned, but I never cry in front of another man unless it’s to get out of a speeding ticket…
I really think Miracle Whip lowered the bar for what constitutes a miracle.
Last time I went trick or treating, a high school bully stole my candy. Later I heard he spent 10yrs in prison which is totally unbelievable because I didn’t press charges.
Got a text from my husband this morning saying that this wasn’t working out and he wanted a divorce! Boy was I relieved when he texted back saying that he sent it to the wrong number.
If your nose ain’t running and your eyes ain’t crying, it’s not a good curry!
At the store- I better pick up a can of black beans. I’m not sure if there’s any at home.
Putting groceries away- Shit, I already had 8 cans of black beans.