I love going to the gym this time of year because I’m a perfect example of what years of neglect and nachos can do to a body.
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“Genetically modified food is very much safe for human consumption” the tomato on my plate reassuringly explained to me.
A mom-off where we see who can cut a grape into the smallest pieces
Fingers in her belt loops, I pull her in for a kiss. We topple backwards, her arm falls off and a voice shouts “don’t touch the mannequins!”
Having kids is great because you get to ask fun questions like why is there a volleyball in the refrigerator?
Lol how “take you out” could mean either we’re going on a date or I’m gonna kill you.
My hips don’t lie because they be like, “Fool, you gonna need some ibuprofen tonight after thinking you could play tag with your kids.”
Me (finishing a home repair): Well, it looks like it should work…
My wife: Should I throw this handful of screws away?
Her: you look better without your glasses
Me: oh thanks! You look better without my glasses too!
Cucumbers Anonymous
Who decided to call them a personal trainer and not a gym reaper?
Just saw The Martian. If Matt Damon was alone on Mars, who was filming him that whole time? Clearly fake
Everyone is all “love is patient” during the wedding but when there’s a long line for the open bar, not so much.
“why do women always take sooo long to put their makeup on?” because makeup is war paint for Being In Public, clearly
My son was awake early and I told him “Happy Easter.” He said he thought that was last week. In his defense though, I did bake a ham and give him a bag of Cadbury mini eggs last week… when I thought it was Easter.
If you missed any of the most recent presidential debate, you can catch one side of it on any given Facebook friend’s page.
Presidential election season; that special time every four years when we find out who we just really shouldn’t be friends with anymore.
[text from wife]
I want a divorceMe: *stands up at desk* YES!!!
*starts breakdancing*
*books trip to Bahamas*
*kisses Carol in accounting*
*goes into boss’s office* I QUIT!!![…typing]
Haha, April fools
8YR OLD: dad, why do spiders not stick to their own webs?
ME: [remembering I asked the same question when I was smoking pot at a party in college] are…are you high right now?
Glad the lady in front of me decided at the last second to stop at the yellow light as I prefer to eat my fries from the dashboard.
sorry but who wants to search “price: high to low”
_ _ _ _ _
The category is “Down on the Farm.”
Contestant 1: Pat, I’d like a an “T.”
Pat Sajak: Sorry, No T’s. Actually, no consonants.
Old McDonald: I’d like to solve the puzzle
Cop: Is that a turtle?
Me: …
Cop: Painted blue?
Me: …
Cop: With nails glued on?
Me: …
Cop: Mario Kart’s not real
Me: YOURE NOT REAL
MIND BLOWING SCIENCE FACT: 20% of all car crashes are actually battles between the Autobots and the Decepticons.
[Commercial for lawnmowers]
[Exhausted looking guy stood in his garden]
*Stabs a long sword into the grass*
“There has to be a better way”
You answer the door and see me calmly standing in front of you covered in a red viscus liquid. You scream before I can ask to borrow more ketchup for our slip’n slide.
Mr. Smith: My family names goes back to my ancestor that was a blacksmith.
Mr. Carpenter: Mine goes back to an ancestor that was a woodworker.
Mr. Dickinson: Mine goes back to an ancestor we no longer speak of
Me: You’re telling me someone broke into the house and the only thing that was stolen was the ice cream?
Husband: (without breaking eye contact) Yes.
I always smile really big at people in public. Tends to freak them out, out cause I’m not good at putting on lipstick.
MORPHEUS: choose the red pill or the blue pill
NEO: which one turns into the coolest dinosaur