I love Harry Porter. All of them. Glasses kid. The ginger one. Smart girl. Dolby. The scene when Dumbledort kills Voldermore. Quizzo matches
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My son is petrified of thunder. I told him that is ridiculous, it’s the lightning that will kill him.
sorry but I’m allergic to cauliflower, like deathly allergic, if I eat some my throat feels itchy then I kill everyone
Cop: Lemme see your papers
Me: Okay
Cop: These are rolling papers
Me: Would you look at that
Cop: Sir are you high?
Me: What are you, a cop?
why you guys always think you were some cool person in your past life and not a fly that lived for like 24 hours, settle down
Guy In France: yes may I please have an order of Here Fries
i’m cautious about following people back these days because i follow when they look normal and next week they’re banging horses
My roommate went on a bumble date and was nervous so decided to pound shots in her car once she got to the place they were meeting and the guy was parked next to her and watched her chug vodka for 5 minutes.
Dating is rough.
Zoo security guy: We know you’ve stolen a parrot. Hand it over.
Me: Why would you accuse me? Is it because I’m brown??
From inside my jacket: Is it because I’m brown??
A friend asked me how much I spend on a bottle of wine.
My response: Oh, about 20 minutes.
THERAPIST: what brings you in today?
ME: sharks lack the ability to hug.
THERAPIST: *starts to cry*
finish your salad. a thousand islands died to make that dressing.
I do my deepest thinking when I can’t figure out why someone honked at me.
Hell hath no fury like a woman who ALREADY TOLD YOU WHERE THE SCISSORS ARE
“Why would you want to live in the Matrix instead the richness of reality, doesn’t make any sense,” I mutter as I reach for my phone immediately after waking up.
Why is it called an everything bagel and not a bagall.
[first day as a pilot]
me: *looking down nervously* what are all these buttons for
co-pilot: they keep your shirt closed
Having one bathroom in your house teaches you that it is possible to hate a person because of a bathroom.
We can put a man on the moon but we can’t reference any other achievements?
[describing criminal to sketch artist]
“No, no his nose was a bit more avant-garde than that. His eyes suggested he’d lost a ladder.”
BEAR JESUS: *Emerges from cave after 3 days*
EVERYONE ELSE: This… this is not as impressive.
i feel like nothing is gonna happen to twitter idk i just always felt like this app would be here surviving at the end of the world like a cockroach
My phone died, so I was forced to “print” a physical copy of my boarding pass, just like The Wright Brothers used to in the olden days
Nobody:
Absolutely nobody:
Me: In Top Gun: Maverick, Goose’s son should’ve been played by Ryan Gosling
Warner Bros named him Bugs Bunny because he was absolutely riddled with lice
if you give a mouse a cookie, he’s going to ask you for a glass of milk.
don’t give it to him.
give him another cookie.
now he’s super thirsty.
he’ll do anything for that milk.
anything.
If you see me in Atlanta this weekend, at a Taylor Swift concert, that’s not me.
Husband: Don’t tell me they forgot my fries again! How does that keep happening?
Me (swallowing quickly ): Weird, right?
Naked and afraid, but it’s just me getting out of the shower, the door bell ringing and I can’t find a towel.
houseplants b like due to personal reasons i will be passing away…