i love hoodies man.
am i skinny ? am i fat ? nobody knows
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My sister and I are sat having KFC when she says she misses the lemon flavour packets they used to give out and I was like ??? they were lemon wipes for your hands?? and her face dropped.
Turns out she used to squeeze the lemon wipes onto her chicken 😭😂😭😂
“I’m $50 away from getting free shipping which is only $5 and what I want is $12 so I need to spend $38 more to save money.”
-my brain
Date: Do you want to go upstairs?
Me: Sure.
Date: Do you have any protection?
Me: Who’s up there?
Ever since I found out cats don’t meow to other cats, that’s just some shit they learned to manipulate humans and moews are supposed to mimic infant human cries I’m noticing a lot of fake shit about my cat
Iceland is like a guy who brags he was prom king and captain of the varsity basketball team and yearbook editor and then you find out he was homeschooled.
Judge: you‘re gonna hang
Me: awesome, with whom?
Did you guys hear about the football player who hits women? No the other one. No the other one.
If you think you can bribe me with a bagel to show up to your dumb meeting well congratulations you have cracked my code
If you bring an acoustic guitar to a bonfire I’m going to assume it’s for fuel.
Lady and the Tramp spaghetti scene except it’s me throat punching you for trying to eat my food.
ubereats: it will cost £3.50 extra to send this cheeseburger to your house
me: ye ye ye hurry up gimmewikipedia: please donate to this website you find very useful or we will die
me: LMAOOOOOOOOOO
When I get my tax refund I’m gonna mess around and buy the whole 18 pack of eggs.
RUMPLESTILTSKIN: I’ll let you keep your first born if you can guess my name in three tries!
ME: Is it Grundletaintskin?
R: *sigh* You already know it, don’t you?
ME: Whatever do you mean, Buttholeshitskin?
Who called it a French guy that has a cat rather than Jean clawed?
[sideline]
QUARTERBACK: I think we should run it. How about you?
COACH: Hmm…pass[huddle]
CENTER: Well?
QUARTERBACK: He refused to answer
kids are fun because the only time they stop eating is when you put effort into making meals for them
Life would be so much easier if my cat drove.
*Sandra Bullock floating around in the background of all the new Star Wars movies*
I wish there were glasses to protect me from all your blurry eclipse pics.
Looking back, my financial health took a turn for the worse right after I broke my piggy bank.
6500 languages in the world and you decide you want to talk shit.
As your personal mortician, instead of making you look beautiful I will make people fear you.
Grease is my favourite film about a group of high-school kids who have been kept back for 17 years
I’m pleased to announce that I will continue using the word Kafkaesque to describe things, and I am proud of my commitment to never learn what it means.
Guy who invented sheet music: I’m going to use dots and lines to represent notes
Me: couldn’t you use just use the letters they are named aft-
Guy: the swirly symbol will be different than the swoopy one
Me:
Guy: some dots will get tic tac toe boards
the coronavirus really making people awaken their inner “A guy bought 20 watermelons” from those math problems
[Morgue]
Cop: Sir, I know it’s tough but we need you to ID the bodyMe looking at corpse: *takes deep breath* Are—are you over 21?
There should be an Olympic event that requires participants to remove a single cube from an ice cube tray.
Sometimes I look at myself in the mirror and wonder, “Do my children just spit directly at their face when brushing their teeth?”
A grasshopper just jumped onto my foot and I reacted like I was being attacked by a shark.