I love how all my apps shake when I go to delete one..
There all like awww shit,
who’s it gonna be this time
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Me: I’ve lost my kitten
Cop: How would you best describe him?
Me: He looks like a miniature cat
That snake Lucifer sent into the Garden of Eden was actually meant to be a cat but it didn’t feel like taking orders.
Underage me: pretends to be sick so I can sneak out window to go to a party
Older me: pretends to be sick so I don’t have to go to a party
WIFE: You overreact to everything!
ME: [phones police]
Lonely? Just glue a coffee cup to the roof of your car. Everyone will wave to you.
PETA wants us to stop using animal slogans
such as “bring home the bacon”They’d have us say “bring home the bagels”
That suggestion has holes in it.
My daughter, the world’s worst hider, asked me to play hide & seek. I counted to 20 and began a search that eclipsed 10 minutes. I was truly stumped, then I heard her playing in the backyard. “I thought you wanted to play hide & seek?” I asked. “Oh, yeah,” she said. “I forgot.”
“BRING ME THE FOETUS’ OF 3 CHICKENS”
*Maniacal stare*
“Listen dude, its called an omelette,a 3 egg omelette”
“AND THE BLOOD OF 4 ORANGES”
[Brings pot brownies to the PTA meeting]
– New playground approved
– All classes now held outside
I needed this today. He takes a break. Lol
1 in 3 Americans, weighs as much as the other 2…!!
if you comment “i am so turned on right now” to every political post, you can make it so no one wants to argue politics with you
Facebook sent me a notification….unfortunately, my meth lab on Farmville blew up.
Just unfollowed a bunch of people funnier than me. Now my tweets seem, you know, funnier. Tomorrow I unfollow all the good-looking people.
I attempted smoky eye makeup for a holiday party tonight, but instead it looks like I survived a bar fight, so I’m going with that story.
We get it. If your candidate doesn’t win in November, you’re moving to the whitest English speaking country you can drive to.
Having the time of my life slicing vegetables super fast like I’m a chef at a Michelin star restaurant while the uneven mess I’m creating looks back at me in its judgmental misery *chef’s kiss*
“How cute. You have smile lines”
Me: those are from clenching my jaw
Shoot for the moon. Even if you miss, you’ll land among the other losers who missed a 15 million square mile target.
I’ve been dieting for a little over a week and I already gained three pounds.
You must first feel comfortable in someone else’s skin before you can feel comfortable in your own.
–Psycho Therapy
My gynecologist didn’t think my ventriloquism skills were as charming as I did.
Sir, your wife was stabbed ten times, but the missing piece is the murder weapon. So far we have nothing, Mr *checks notes* Scissorhands.
running chickens are hilarious in a velociraptor kind of way
Squirrel having fun.. 😅
Can’t. The ex-girlfriend is making me take her to the movies.
Wife: I TOLD YOU TO STOP CALLING ME THAT!
My wife and I are 3 weeks in on researching and discussing air fryers and if it is worth losing the counter space. Middle age Christmases are wild.
No, LinkedIn. I would not like to link my Twitter account but thank you for trying to get me unemployed for life.
I have never in my life tried to pronounce an L so hard than when asking my dad for the “caulk”
My daughter just watched “Cujo” for the first time.
Guess who’s putting shaving cream around the dogs mouth later ?