Mute the voices in your head by eating really crunchy food.
I love how all my apps shake when I go to delete one..
There all like awww shit,
who’s it gonna be this time
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in second grade there was a new girl in my class named Treasure and her parents were hippies. i remember thinking hippies weren’t that bad. and then i met her little sister Tammy. they gave up on cool names after ONE kid! don’t be Treasure’s parents
I’m inventing a swaddle blanket for like 5 year olds. It’s basically a straight jacket, but with a friendly name like “The Tantrum Hug.”
going to rock bottom do you guys need anything
At best, I might email or text you.
If someone gives me an answer I don’t agree with I’ll give them the benefit of the doubt. I assume they didn’t understand the question.
I can still party like I’m 22.
Too bad I recover like I’m 82.
It’s wrong! If gay marriage is legal who will stop me marrying this painting of a horse. This majestic painting. Who will stop me kissing it
Doctor: serious side effects of this medication can include death
Me: I’ll take it
Bride: *coming down the aisle* WTF? You’re wearing the same dress as me!?!?
Me: Well THIS is awkward
Priest: *in same dress* Ok. One of us has to change