Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

@dxblarssonENG

Mute the voices in your head by eating really crunchy food.

@girlnarly

in second grade there was a new girl in my class named Treasure and her parents were hippies. i remember thinking hippies weren’t that bad. and then i met her little sister Tammy. they gave up on cool names after ONE kid! don’t be Treasure’s parents

@UnfilteredMama

I’m inventing a swaddle blanket for like 5 year olds. It’s basically a straight jacket, but with a friendly name like “The Tantrum Hug.”

@pant_leg

going to rock bottom do you guys need anything

@TheBeerGuy_

Sorry, Ghostbusters.

At best, I might email or text you.

@TheBoydP

If someone gives me an answer I don’t agree with I’ll give them the benefit of the doubt. I assume they didn’t understand the question.

@i_wasnt_looking

I can still party like I’m 22.
Too bad I recover like I’m 82.

@puppy_eggs

It’s wrong! If gay marriage is legal who will stop me marrying this painting of a horse. This majestic painting. Who will stop me kissing it

@LuvPug

Doctor: serious side effects of this medication can include death

Me: I’ll take it

@ThugRaccoons

[Wedding day]

Bride: *coming down the aisle* WTF? You’re wearing the same dress as me!?!?

Me: Well THIS is awkward

Priest: *in same dress* Ok. One of us has to change