@bobbiejo448

I love how all the characters in kids shows are always SO thrilled while at work. Like Bob never gets pissed over a missing screwdriver.

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@lovemyboots111

How do you know your man is cheating?

When he drives by her place the wifi connects

@sirchutney

‘Benjamin Button.’

‘BENJAMIN WHO?’

‘Benjamin’

‘WHO’S THERE?’

‘Knock knock!’

@DrakeGatsby

them: your tweet is missing a word

me: it’s missing a bunch, do you have any idea how many words there are?

@lazerdoov

*bursts into starbucks*

Me: DO YOU GUYS HAVE A POWER OUTLET

Barista: yeah over there

Me: oh thank god

*plugs in a mechanical bull*

@RiotGrlErin

i only eat nature valley granola bars in the beds of my enemies.

@BlindChow

COP: do you know why I pulled you over?

ME: *furiously trying to swallow a mouthful of mattress tag stickers* no

@TheWidowmakerX

Him: When was the last time a man held a car door open for you?

“When I was arrested” is not the best answer, apparently

@Beatweek

Obama has been endorsed by Warren Buffett, Colin Powell, Mark Zuckerberg and Bill Gates. Romney has been endorsed by Lindsay Lohan.