If you yell “DIE” when killing a spider, it dies faster.
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me [after hitting a long shot]: FORE
her: are you serious this is mini golf
me [apologetically]: ᶠᵒʳᵉ
[zoo]
Kid: monkeys are dumb. Why do they keep throwing poop at each other?Me:*on my phone, leaving angry Facebook comments* I know, right?
College is like a Dora the Explorer episode; your professor asks a question, stares at you and then answers their own question.
Damn boy, is your name Dulcolax because you irritate the shit out of me.
Raccoons use their hands more than any animal, so they’re basically the Italians of nature.
Me: Damn. Another gray hair. *plucks it*
Old man standing next to me: Ouch!
While I usually love my son’s sense of humour, pretending to not know us as we went through airport security was not one of those times
Raspberry buy guitar
Raspberry take lessons
Raspberry answer ad
Raspberry show up at drummer’s house
Raspberry plug in
Raspberry Jam
A candle with no wick, is just wax, but a wick with no wax, is just string.
What else… ummm… no, I guess that concludes my TED Talk.
If you’re intermittent fasting and only eating one meal a day, that meal can be cake, right?
My 8-year-old just offered me leftover cashews from his lunch, asking “Do you want these nuts?” and I’m not mature enough to be a parent.
Cop: Maybe it’s your driving. Maybe you’re drunk.
Me: Maybe it’s Maybelline.
My youngest is like a dog
She can spot a bad personality from a mile away and she also may bite you
$4 #usedbooks
ME: So you’re into religion. Really??
DATE: Absolutely. I go to church regularly. I especially love the religious hymns.
ME: Ok even I know they’re called priests, Linda.
Motivational Speaker: “There’s a Lion In Everybody!!”
The Lion In Me:
It was the worst of times, it was the worst of times.
-2020
They say as your kids get older they get more likeable but that can’t be true because my parents still don’t like me
wife’s still mad that I responded to the priest after he said our wedding vows with “agree to disagree”
Me: Please can you get my iPad in the lounge?
5yr: I think you should poo without it. I just play with my fingers and sing and stuff…
Bring multiple sets of clothes to work, change every hour, and act like nothing’s different.
Unicorn: why can’t you create me again?
God: no one is going to believe a horse has a horn it’s too ridiculous.
Unicorn: I guess you’re right.
[Narwhal swims by]
Unicorn: w-was that a whale with a horn?
God:
Unicorn:
God: technically that’s a tooth.
COWORKER: I’m my own biggest critic.
ME: Haha, trust me. You aren’t.
[job interview]
“any questions?”
yeah is it Pets Mart or Pet Smart?
“ma’am this is a bank”
I know but you seem like a man with some answers
Having a pet is basically just asking “how did you get so cute?” followed by “why are you wet?” 6 or 7 times a day.
When I was your age we didn’t have edible underwear, we just ate normal underwear
My favorite part of The Bachelor is when a crazy emotional girl starts crying and he’d rather kiss her snot-nosed face than listen to her.
I’ve been taking my Flintstones’ vitamins daily, but I still can’t start a car with my feet.
I’m not racist. White people scare me too.
Just once I’d like to meet a person whose job is to make captchas so I can slap him in the face for making my life difficult.