How do you know your man is cheating?
When he drives by her place the wifi connects
I love how all the characters in kids shows are always SO thrilled while at work. Like Bob never gets pissed over a missing screwdriver.
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*Brings an ukulele to a gun fight.
them: your tweet is missing a word
me: it’s missing a bunch, do you have any idea how many words there are?
*bursts into starbucks*
Me: DO YOU GUYS HAVE A POWER OUTLET
Barista: yeah over there
Me: oh thank god
*plugs in a mechanical bull*
i only eat nature valley granola bars in the beds of my enemies.
COP: do you know why I pulled you over?
ME: *furiously trying to swallow a mouthful of mattress tag stickers* no
Him: When was the last time a man held a car door open for you?
“When I was arrested” is not the best answer, apparently
It’s fun to stay at the!
Obama has been endorsed by Warren Buffett, Colin Powell, Mark Zuckerberg and Bill Gates. Romney has been endorsed by Lindsay Lohan.