All it takes is a “food dreadful, service poor” Yelp review to get your mother-in-law to stop inviting you to Sunday dinner.
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I don’t want to alarm anyone, but my doctor says I have an irreversible terminal condition called aging.
If Donald Trump becomes president, we could finally out-crazy North Korea.
[listening to twenty one pilots]
ME: ok ok one at a time
When I retire I’m going to run from office.
Sorry I gave you a sympathy card at your baby shower, but… well you’ll see soon enough.
“He’s probably more afraid of you than you are of him,” I say, as a kodiak bear mauls my friend Jeff.
THE EXORCIST (1973) An incompetent priest botches a routine case.
Someone needs to invent an alarm clock that, if you hit snooze more than three times, will call in sick for you.
If you care about someone,
even a little bit.
I beg of you.
Please.
TELL THEM WHEN THEY HAVE SOMETHING IN THEIR TEETH.
The lady on the news said that alcohol sales are down significantly in Alberta.
I’ve been sober for 57 days.So technically, I was on the news tonight.
[sees wife getting changed after work] you should leave them high heels on
“ohhh yeah?”
[thinking about the spider on the bathroom ceiling] yeah
me: i dont want any kids
person: *low chuckle* oh, you’ll change your mind.
me: *grabs them by collar* tell me more about the future, wizard
“I can’t find this book on the shelf.”
“I’m sorry, it looks like we don’t have that book in the library system.”
“But you had this book five years ago!”
“Sir, I had so many things five years ago.”
[having sex]
Her: HARDER!
ME: Divide 110 into two parts so that one will be 150% of the other. What are the 2 numbers?
Her: 44&66 HARDER!
Great books in 140. The Great Gatsby. In 1922 a mysterious millionaire is obsessed with a now married former girlfriend and has to be shot.
My wife dared me to yell out “HURRY UP HAYDEN” at Disney World. Now we have 27 blonde boys & 8 girls following us like Children of the Corn.
[private investigator hands me a folder] well she’s not cheating on you
[looking though numerous photos of my wife refrigerating bread] oh god no
Nothing says “I’m stubborn” like owning a BlackBerry in 2013.
Over on that new social media site, nudes are called Threadbares
Oh wow. It’s so big. Size really does matter. I love it so much.
~my new handbag
I’m keeping an eye on the cult headquarters, call that compound interest
Before letters were invented the alphabet song was an instrumental.
Netflix: Because you watched that one movie that had Christmas lights in the background of a scene, here are 37 Netflix original holiday movies you might enjoy…
[gym]
Excuse me, can I borrow your towel? This cinnamon roll is really sticky.
You’re in his DMs
I am wanted in 37 states for tax evasion
“Try to be more socially interactive”, they said
“Engage with the wider community”, they said
“You have the right to remain silent”, they said
DOCTOR: Have you been exercising for 30 minutes a day?
ME: Yes. I do The Robot to annoy my kids.
DOCTOR: That’s not…
ME: TECHNOBOT CAN’T HEAR YOU OVER HIS SICK MOVES, DOC!
[Jack Ryan]
CIA BOSS: who are you
JACK: (trying to be cool) ryan. jack ryan
BOSS: nice to meet you ryan
JACK: no it’s
BOSS: everyone this is ryan
EVERYONE: hi ryan
RYAN: hi
Me: i’m just here for shits and giggles
Taco Bell employee: *passes me my order* i can’t promise you the giggles
my date ended up being a mannequin
i was so embarrassed at the restaurant and then at the movies