@mattingebretson

I love how binge watching a tv show is now portrayed as a fun activity instead of an expression of deep emotional turmoil and depression

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@generaldietz

Me: *nervous giggle* Goodbyes are so awkward. Like do I go in for a kiss or what?

Drive-thru attendant: Please just take your food, sir.

@philboringphil

Overheard on the bus:

“Stop eavesdropping on our conversation, it’s creepy and you won’t get any funny tweets out of it”

@pinkmoon_33

3 out of 4 voices in my head want to sleep. The other wants to know if penguins have knees.

@NikatNiteNite

Hubs and I have fought so much lately I’ve lost 10 lbs. I thought about leaving him, but I’d like to lose another 10 lbs first.

@TweetsByKaylee

interview tip #86

be honest when asked about yourself

[later]

interviewer: so tell me about yourself

me: not without my lawyer present

@jazmasta

I’d catch a gently thrown tennis ball for you.