I love how breadsticks are an appetizer for pizza; like, yes, I’ll have more bread with my bread, please.

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Met this nice teacher in the breakroom today, says she teaches at the school downstairs. Kinda reminds me of my wife. Not sure why she’s dressed in pajamas at school though, but I won’t judge.


You pulled out in front of me.
Now you’re going slow.
I don’t like my car.
I will win this one.


Today’s tea:

) ) )
) ( ) )
_(___(____)____(___(__ _
if white people /
invaded half of / __
the world for / |
spices, why do /——
they not use it /


Y’all say redheads eat souls like it’s a bad thing, but I’m telling you, this diet is really going to pay off come swimsuit season.


Taking my wife to a wife swapping party tonight… Hoping to get a PS3 in return.


Me: *pooping with the door open*

Olive Garden Mgr: “I know what the slogan says ma’am, we aren’t THAT kind of family.”


Dad: (tears in eyes) you’re going to make a fine dad someday

Son: (tears in eyes) should I make him out of wood or metal

Dad: (just bawling)


In the near future, little old ladies won’t know how to sew, knit, or quilt, but they’ll take awesome self-pics in bathroom mirrors.


All the good guys aren’t taken; they’re at the bar on Tuesday nights.

Trust me. I’m a stranger on the internet.


When someone tells me that the best part of their job is getting to talk to people all day, I’m too frightened to ask what the worst part is.