I love how breadsticks are an appetizer for pizza; like, yes, I’ll have more bread with my bread, please.
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Cops call their dogs K-9 because if they call K-10,
then it’s a cat.
Me: *ziplines into wedding* “Sup nerds?” *pants get caught and tear off leaving me dangling naked upside down*
Priest: “Ooh a piñata!”
[after sleeping in a slightly different position] I have gathered you all here to read my last will and testament…
My kid started doing this annoying preteen whiny voice and now I can turn my head all the way around like the exorcist.
My friend sneezed and I didn’t say “God bless you” and I had to watch helplessly as demons appeared and dragged him to hell.
[Disney Pitch Meeting]
Writer: So kids love puppies
Exec: Haha true
Writer: This movie is about skinning alive 101 of them
Exec: First off, it’s perfect
Husband: Why are there two broken condoms on the backseat?
Wife: Please stop calling our kids that.
The “t” in “Christmas” is silent.
Be like the “t” in “Christmas.”
me: (singing) it’s the i of the tiger
tger: give it back
My college kid makes a Hot Pocket nearly everyday, and still reads the directions every time he cooks one.
I drank so much Mt. Dew my taste buds turned into tase bros.
Of all the dinosaurs at yoga class, T-Rex was the worst at downward-facing dog.
Carpenter ants are bullshit, I left a whole box of ikea furniture here, all they did was carry off my watermelon and steal a picnic basket
Autocorrect changed “panic attack” to “pancake attack” and now I’m hysterical AND hungry.
*holding a rattlesnake in each hand*
These are the angriest maracas I’ve ever played
just found a grappling hook in my new apartment. now i have to backtrack to my childhood home so i can access the previously unreachable attic
God making jellyfish: Let’s make this amazingly colored umbrella-shaped bell with trailing tentacles that glow in the dark
Jellyfish: But why am I not shaped like a star? The starfish looks so much cooler.
God: And we’ll name it jelly
I told my kids I’m not coming out of the bathroom until they stop fighting, I’m really looking forward to a long nap and some me time
I wish I were a British fighter pilot.
Those dudes are Royal AF.
HER: I still think you made up that word just so you could win at Scrabble
ME: that’s ridictacular
me (on desert island): good thing i was able to grab this CD player & my 5 fav CDs
other survivor: I saw you put down bread & pick those up
*filled stadium
Singer: ARE YOU READY TO ROCK?!
Crowd:
S:
C:
S: I SAID: ARE YOU READY T–
C: WE’RE THINKING
4-year-old: It’s not fair. Boys can have beards but girls can’t.
Me: Well, girls can have babies and boys can’t.
4: Want to trade?
Asked 4 how pre school was and she said Jake did a bad thing and made Freya cry and when I asked 4 what Jake did she said she couldn’t remember and went to play with her Barbie and now I’m expected to just carry on my life not knowing what went down between Jake & Freya
Dr: You need to stop touching your face
Me: But it feels really nice, try it
Dr: *strokes my cheek* OMG, nurse come check this out
Some people won’t try bacon for religious reasons. I won’t try religion for bacon reasons.
Married conversation is like regular conversation except you’re both brushing your teeth.
Watson was Holmes schooled