I love how breadsticks are an appetizer for pizza; like, yes, I’ll have more bread with my bread, please.

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me: let’s go to bed earlier like responsible adults
brain: great idea


me: so do we just like lay here or what
brain: i have no idea


I lost a friend over my bastardization of common idioms, but I think she should just let pylons be pylons.


Big shoutout to the Red Robin waitress who checked my ID and immediately ruined the moment by saying, “Wow you’re, like, older than my dad!”


Every spider has the same powers as Spiderman, yet none of them choose to be superheroes. This is everything you need to know about spiders.


unstable person: “when there is no more room in hell, the dead will walk the earth”
stable person: “i look after the horses”


[my 1st day as spelling bee host]
your word is policy
“can you use it in a sentence”
um i think hes an undercover cop, he looks a bit policy


Him: [sneezes]

Germs: ATTACK!

Her: bless you



You know what a cubicle basically says? It says ‘We don’t think you’re smart enough for an office,but we don’t want you to look at anybody.’


Avoid the struggle of taking off a sports bra by never exercising.