@illuminateddino

I love how breadsticks are an appetizer for pizza; like, yes, I’ll have more bread with my bread, please.

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@kevinjrr

Met this nice teacher in the breakroom today, says she teaches at the school downstairs. Kinda reminds me of my wife. Not sure why she’s dressed in pajamas at school though, but I won’t judge.

@GoldenSpirals

You pulled out in front of me.
Now you’re going slow.
I don’t like my car.
I will win this one.

@annoyed__asian

Today’s tea:

) ) )
) ( ) )
_(___(____)____(___(__ _
if white people /
invaded half of / __
the world for / |
spices, why do /——
they not use it /
_______________/

@jctwritesstuff

Y’all say redheads eat souls like it’s a bad thing, but I’m telling you, this diet is really going to pay off come swimsuit season.

@fusedude

Taking my wife to a wife swapping party tonight… Hoping to get a PS3 in return.

@doktorj

Me: *pooping with the door open*

Olive Garden Mgr: “I know what the slogan says ma’am, we aren’t THAT kind of family.”

@Ygrene

Dad: (tears in eyes) you’re going to make a fine dad someday

Son: (tears in eyes) should I make him out of wood or metal

Dad: (just bawling)

@ArinLeeMorris

In the near future, little old ladies won’t know how to sew, knit, or quilt, but they’ll take awesome self-pics in bathroom mirrors.

@TheMichaelRock

All the good guys aren’t taken; they’re at the bar on Tuesday nights.

Trust me. I’m a stranger on the internet.

@HenpeckedHal

When someone tells me that the best part of their job is getting to talk to people all day, I’m too frightened to ask what the worst part is.