My neighbours just submitted a petition that I stop setting traps for stray pigs after I caught my 16th police man today.
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Friend: OMG! What happened to your hands?!
Me, thinking about how I burned them pulling a naan apart: oh I was grilling a steak and the flames were out of control.
Before you contemplate starting an argument with me just know I’ll be removing my pants and underwear for maximum effect.
him: damn girl you’re hot
me (menopausal): I know. it sucks
I may or may not have a joke about Schrodinger’s cat.
i just ordered an RGB bulb for when i play music too loud and my mom says this is a house not a nightclub I’ll say i beg to differ
I’m having lunch with my mom today. I can’t wait to hear how tired and unmarried I look.
❤️🦆
Warm pools make me nervous.
I’m going to replace my uterus with something practical, like a second stomach or a bubble gum machine.
Christmas is great! You can sit on the lap of a total stranger and no one is offended.
me: I’d like to work from home
hr: request deni—
m: but it’s government advice
hr: it’s simply imposs—
m: and these are dangerous times
hr: but you’re a train driver?
good cop: you do not have to talk to us
bad cop: [running away from a spider] i need backup
Two reasons you never date at work: 1. HR frowns upon it. 2. Your partner gets super pissed.
I’m sorry I’m late, but my 2yo had to say goodbye to the muffins in the grocery store.
olive garden manager: why are you quitting
waiter: i signed up to guard olives
It finally happened: someone asked me where the library was in Spanish. I’ve been training for this since high school.
My boss: make sure you clear out your emails before going on vacation.
Me: *select all, delete*
[family dinner]
my mother: when are you going to settle down and give me grandchildren
me: [pulling a duckling from my pocket] i’ve introduced you to gregory and you refuse to acknowledge him.
Why isn’t “long weekend” simply written as weeeeekend?
When you’re around too many morning people it’s like being in perkytory
TEACHER: what’s your favorite color?
ME: my favorite color is turkwoyse
TEACHER: spell it
ME: actually my favorite color is red
*Sees old 1987 ford mustang and gets in* Lets see if this baby still works *pulls baby out of backpack* *baby cries* Great! *Puts it back*
the statue of liberty was a trojan horse thing but it was too hard to break out of and it’s full of skeletons now
Commissioner Gordon: It says here that bats sleep upside down and wee over themselves.
Batman: We also poop.
CG: We?
B: They. I mean they
The wife and I decided we’re gonna try and have another baby so now she’s distracting the hospital security guy while I sneak in
*receives text from wife
“I’m done”
Ok. I’ll have my lawyer call yours.
“I meant work”
Ok. Cool.
Hubs: Hey, was that tweet about me?
M: No, they’re never about people I know.
*writes another tweet about him*
I never feel quite so uncertain as when I’m walking the dog and a neighbor driving by waves to me but my free hand has a bag of poop in it.
a gaggle of geese, a murder of crows, a genocide of seagulls, a holocaust of toucans
Octopus: *holding 8 guns* Looks like we got a Mexican standoff
Squid: *holding 8 guns* Not so fast *draws 2 more guns*