I love how Hasbro’s Ouija Board sets the bar at 8 years old for communing with the dead.
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I print everything at work because I’m not a multimillionaire who has a printer with ink at home
My husband just started assembling a bookshelf so I guess we’re fighting now.
After we got the divorce she let me have everything. Except the jewelry, and of course something to keep it in. I call it “the house”..
[first date]
HER: So, I hear you’re a dog person-
ME: [tucking my tail between my legs] WHO TOLD YOU
Good Cop: Book ’em.
Illiterate Cop: I’ll just wait for the movie.
Princess: U alone?
Luigi: Ya. Mario lookin 4 u underwater.
P: lol. wut?
L: ya idk. meet up?
P: sure. go-karts
L: k i’ll bring bananas
[bedtime]
DAUGHTER: Dad, I’m afraid a bug will crawl into my mouth while I’m sleeping.
ME: Don’t be silly, the spiders that live in your eyebrows would catch it first.
DAUGHTER: …
ME: Night, sweetheart.
The fact that he hasn’t texted back in a week, only tells me he is madly in love with me.
Why is it no matter how bad you rack yourself physically ppl invariably ask “Are you ok?”
Sure I am. Why I was just thinking this morning my hair would look so much better if it had matted blood in it.
BOSS: I’m sorry mike, but you’ve been downsized
ME: (75% of my original size, in a voice 125% higher pitched) ahh maaan
Are we sure this new planet isn’t just Pluto wearing a wig?
It’s pretty shitty people are giving back the highways they adopted now that lockdowns are over.
#parenting
If you hide the Easter eggs while you’re drunk, nobody knows where they are
All of my horoscopes lately have started with “Ok, don’t freak out but…”
Ther are two microwaves in my office kitchen, one is for exploding lasagnas and the other one is for exploding other different lasagnas
Magician: *pulls a rabbit out of a hat and makes doves appear from a handkerchief*
Zookeeper: And the penguin in your backpack. Hand it over.
If I hug you longer than 3 seconds, I’m picking your pockets.
God [returning from 200 year vacation] who touched the thermostat?
friend: don’t worry so much
me: omg why what will happen
I’ve been a YouTube creator for almost an hour, yet somehow I haven’t been monetized yet?
Gentle reminder that Thanos won 14,000,605 alternate times in end game but the one time he lost they made a movie about it
Unfortunately, not even me offering to cut my toenails could save the relationship.
[creating humans]
God: They will have a powerful immune system
Assistant: Boring
God: ok some will die from eating a peanut
A: Nice, nice
Peeing in the dark like some kind of pilgrim because you’re at someone else’s house and can’t find the light switch
“Boss, I’ve got a probl-”
“There are no such things as problems, only opportunities”
“Oh, ok. I’ve got a serious drinking opportunity”
Me: What’s an easy oatmeal cookie recipe?
Every recipe website: While I was technically born in Ohio in 1983, my soul was born last summer in rural Tuscany…
Boss: Are you going to do any work today?
Me: Has it been optional this whole time?
Instead of a tweet up,
I think all the twitter crushes should get together for a weekend in the mountains
You know…
A Couples Retweet
*finishes a project in 20 minutes that was supposed to take 40 minutes*
*celebrates by screwing around online for 4 hours*