ME: sorry boss, can’t come in today. i’m sick as a dog.
DOG: [heelys passed – smoking a pipe] you wish, bro
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Dr: You need to stop touching your face
Me: But it feels really nice, try it
Dr: *strokes my cheek* OMG, nurse come check this out
the name “alvin and the chipmunks” implies that while simon and theodore are chipmunks, alvin himself is something else, something far more sinister
ME: *taking a massive hit of universal healthcare*
DAD: *pounding on the door* what are you kids doing in there?
ME:
DAD: Are you doing socialism in there? Open this door right now
Girlfriend just called me by my full given name.This is gonna end poorly.
NOBODY MOVE I JUST LOST A FOLLOWER AND HE IS PROBABLY ALONE AND FRIGHTENED
Starting my own social media site called Chaos Realm which is just a Google doc that anyone can edit
*pours one out for my dad on Father’s Day*
*my dad’s ghost yells at me for wasting good vodka*
5, to her brother: I’m going to punch you in the head.
Me: We don’t hit. Keep your hands to yourself.
[pause]
5, to her brother: I’m going to kick you in the head.
I’ve discovered I can turn invisible, but it’s involuntary and only works on bartenders.
If we go into lockdown again, can we just buy the sourdough this time?
How do I form meaningful friendships as an adult without enrolling in grad school or joining a cult?
[1 year 4 months since Totino’s changed their frozen pizza shape from circle to rectangle]
ME: *sigh*
HER: still mad at Totino’s?
M: yeah
Whole Foods added a 10 items or less checkout line as if anyone can afford to buy more than 10 items at a Whole Foods.
The first generation gentle parent in me resisting the urge to say ‘that’s what happens when you don’t pick up your shit’ when my kid falls over a toy.
A little advice… Simply set the microwave to 9 minutes instead of 90 seconds, and you too can ruin your lunch, just like me.
a god among men
I have achieved immortality.
I found a mysterious lamp and sure enough there was a genie inside.I wished that I won’t die a virgin.
Disappointed a milkshake is just called a milkshake in the UK. I would’ve guessed it was something real perverted like a curd sweetie or lovie cream
Any time I see a couple jogging together, I try to figure out which one of them is unhappy about it.
Just told my dog to say goodnight to his brother, the houseplant
I just poured a bowl of cereal and we’re out of milk. Cooking is hard.
me: I need to borrow a math textbook
librarian: edition?
me: and subtraction if you have it
Me: cute infant you have there
Mary: thanks
Me: so tender and mild
Mary: …w-what
I set an alarm when I’m napping just to make sure I’m not late for my second nap.
Find someone who cares about you as much as gmail cares about new devices signing into your account
*First day as a boxing cornerman*
Me: So did you guys even try to talk this out first or what
My wife traumatically ripped the blankets off me last night. But I will recover.
[wedding]
PRIEST: In lieu of vows the couple wishes to do their secret hand shake
ME (groom): could everybody turn around? it’s a secret
I don’t have an insurance policy on myself because there’s no sense in tempting my wife more than she already is.