I love how my car’s check engine light turns off. Of course this means the engine has healed on its own.
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It takes only one person in this world to make you smile. It’s called a plastic surgeon.
My warrior status is dramatically reduced every time I check my phone to see what I ordered instead of opening the box.
Women who wear pink camo, what exactly are you hiding from?
Nice try “Marco Rubio” — or should I say…
[rearranges letters]
“BIRAC UBOMA”
[audience gasps]
My 4yo asked me where people go when they die.
I told her: “I don’t know, but it wouldn’t hurt to check under your bed last thing at night.”
I am, perchance
No smoking? Really? You’re gonna let a fuel delivery system tell you what to do
I ate a cliff bar before bed, now I can’t stop dreaming about hiking
I totally just realized that Dora the Explorer and Vlad the Impaler have the same middle name
I was in my closet and my 4YO walked in right past me, pulled out a box I had NO idea was in there, got out a lollipop and a dinosaur toy he fought his sister for yesterday, put the box back, and walked out.
I am equal parts impressed and terrified right now.
[pet store]
me: are the birds expensive?
employee: they’re going cheap
me: I know how they work
*Takes off clothes
*Enters meeting room naked
*Coworkers gasp in horror
*Slowly backs out of room[whispers] “you said debriefing”
Me (looking up at the clock): Oh no, boys and girls we were working so hard we missed recess! I’m so sorry that I forgot.
6yo: (patting my arm) That’s ok, I think that happens when you start to get older.
I think my mom just blocked me
Me on my way to annoy my favorite person
TV: wanna watch a show about a white dude from Wisconsin?
Women: no
TV: he’s a serial killer who eats people
Women: WHY AM I NOT WATCHING THAT RIGHT NOW
Postcards are just weird. It’s like, “Hey everyone, feel free to read what I wrote to my aunt until it’s delivered to her house.”
A funny thing to do when someone’s dog barks at you is say, “I don’t speak dog,” and then when they leave the room, speak dog fluently.
me: *vacuums up ant*
ant: oh no
me: *vacuums up all the food the kids dropped*
ant: oh wait
Wife :’Darling, look. I haven’t worn this in 8 years and it still fits.’
Hubby : It’s a scarf!
A younger person at work was telling us she made bagels herself at home.
Impressive, until we found out that she meant buying them at the coffee shop then taking them home to toast
She had a LITTLE lamb?
No way! I watched Mary make six trips to the buffet.
Doctor: You have acute alcoholism.
Me: Thanks, but let me tell you it’s not very cute in the morning.
Did you try turning your relationship off and then back on again?
Something Saturday.
Called this psychic hotline today but a woman answered the phone saying “how can I help you?” So I hung up and tried another one.
i hear the new batman movie is so long because there’s a scene where bruce wayne withdraws the entirety of his bank account but he asks for it all in ones and then counts it all while facing the camera
Having a lot of conversations where I sigh heavily and say “Yeah I just don’t think enough people are prepared for the possibility that this may never really end” except no one knows I’m talking about the chicken sandwich wars
A movie with subtitles, but instead of writing out the dialog, they tell me where I know every single actor from.
ME: Would you ever get a tattoo?
DAD: I don’t even highlight in books