I love how my dog hears me in the kitchen and runs in, as if expecting to magically see four hamburgers and a steak just laying on the ground.
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*uneasily answers phone
‘Guess who?’
David?
‘No’
John?
‘No’
Mike?
‘No’
Steve?
‘No, I made you very happy the other night’
Haagen Daz?
‘NO’
Pizza Hut?
[trick or treating]
“Oh, what a cute little…what’s she doing?”
Me: potty training.
“In my pumpkin?!”
Me: She likes the heated seat.
She : Drink responsibly..!
Me : Responsibilities are the reason why I drink.
*during an argument
**command Z, command Z
Well damn, that didn’t work
Establish dominance by ordering ribs on your date and refuse to use a napkin.
I used to workout to get laid. Now its to impress whoever will be performing my autopsy.
This is not me but this is me
[showing off the 13” dildo i found in the dumpster behind 7/11] he’s a rescue
Me: *drowning*
My Fitbit: great job!! Your first ever exercise!
Me: I just want to go on vacation where the food is cheap, there are no kids, and no other people
Husband: So send the kids to your parents for a week and stay home?
Me: Perfect
4: mommy? *takes bite*
Me: yes, love?
4: *chewing* I’m hungry.
Me: …I have good news
My husband and I talked about getting a divorce, but neither one of us wants the kids.
[kicks in your door to apologize to you]
If I had a dollar for everytime someone called me fat, I’d probably just spend it on more bacon.
I thought we had something. You met my family, made me dinner, called me honey. Now suddenly you’re a “waitress” who was “doing her job?”
ME: Then the robber came thru the door holding a gun
COP: Was it a revolver?
ME [thinks] No he just pushed it open & walked thru like normal
No matter how many times he was killed by their products, Wile E Coyote remained loyal to the ACME brand. You’ve gotta respect that.
There’s never enough good news
You can either clean your home before guests arrive or hand them a tequila shot as soon as they arrive.
Shots it is!
I find it odd that when someone dies we refer to them as late, my late Aunt Polly. Aunt Polly isn’t late, she’s not coming.
[hanging out in my basement]
Wife: You know, this room could really use more natural light.
Me: Help yourself. There’s plenty in the fridge.
Me: You ate radishes.
Friend: How can you tell?
Me: You’re burping them.
F: They were really good radishes.
Me: Not from where I’m standing.
Hey, I tried to parallel park into a spot and goosed it twice so I’m just gonna go home. Enjoy brunch though, I’ll catch you next week.
Girlfriend: Why can’t you ever take anything seriously?
Me: *Miss Piggy voice* Moi?!
Cat owners aren’t lazy. They’re just often paralyzed for hours because the supreme ruler of the house is sleeping on their lap.
People used to dress as monsters for Halloween. Now they dress as characters from shows you don’t watch.
“OH GOD! OH GOD! OH GOD! OH GOD! OH GOD!Damn these thin walls. Don’t know if my neighbors are having sex, praying or having a coronary.
I can’t find that mandolin show anywhere in the TV guide.
The two types of wives