I love how once you hit 30 every conversation can be turned into a competition for how little effort was put into pulling a muscle.
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8: mummy would you like me to give you a massage every evening
Me: you will inherit everything I own
[third date]
Her: please quit calling me Jenny
Me: oh my apologies Jennifer
Her: my name is Amanda
“Everyone give us money in case something happens and when something happens we’ll call you a liar.”
-insurance
Don’t tell me I don’t know about sacrifice. I mix the ends of cereals into one bowl so my family can open new boxes. Without my appetite for disgusting mixtures, they’d fall apart.
guy: hey that’s a great truck. what kinda engine?
me: [rubbing the hood] it’s got a truck engine
My doctor is always whispering to me something about not sticking Q tips in my ears. I need a louder doctor
she’s already got guys telling her she’s beautiful. be different. send her a cheese board.
Stooooppp!!! 😂😂
got kicked out of family thanksgiving again for saying “mm that’s fergalicious” after every bite
Gentle parenting is making sure your kids can’t hear what you say when you’re peeling a mango.
ME: I assume you don’t want your dog to see this?
*slides over pic of him with another dog*
JUDGE: *sweating* Bailiff, release this man.
If you run through an airport yelling “Marybeth I love you don’t go!” then you can cut through so many lines of people who like romance.
AOL has been hacked. Users have also been asked to check their Atari settings for possible compromise.
I don’t remember daylight savings having this much of an effect on me. Last night I went to bed at 9:30 and this morning I woke up standing in my neighbour’s backyard dressed as a scarecrow.
Ignorance is not bliss. It’s just a fancy word for stupid.
“Just make sure Nazis NEVER march with tiki torches. I’m trying to save Germany, not Gilligan’s Island.” — Hitler’s last words
The world is so overpopulated, it’s getting so a girl can’t even find a nice, quiet place to yank out her wedgie.
That awkward moment when you make eye contact with a cute guy in the mall food court as you’re slurping up a 2-foot long noodle.
Sup?
Establish dominance by walking around a Spirit Halloween dressed as Santa Claus.
“As a creative person I’m often asked where I get my ideas.” Yeah. As a creative person you often imagine people doing that but they don’t.
Billy Joel’s washing is still wet because he didn’t start the dryer.
THEM: You can’t go wrong with this recipe.
ME: Watch me.
My phone just changed, ‘calendar’ to ‘cake radar’ and now I really wish I had that.
If you keep pronouncing the L in salmon I going to stab you with my kah-nife
We’re going to run out of sausage if no one ever wants to know how it’s made
As I find myself in yet another room without remembering why, it’s apparent my wisdom teeth are doing nothing for me.
If white men can’t jump, how do you explain Super Mario?