I just got a text from someone I don’t know. They say they’re sick and vomitting.
Should I tell them that vomitting only has one T?
I love how people say they’re “expecting” a baby, as though it might be something else, like a penguin or a lawnmower.
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“If you were a spy and having drinks at a spy bar, what would you want?”
“I could tell you, bud, I’d have tequila.”
Tired of being hit by cars? Fed up with being scraped off the road? Sick of fighting off vultures after you’ve been pancaked?
Husband: Should we hit the gym today?
Me: *drawing pumpkin eyes with a Sharpie on my stomach* What?
Little do you know that in my head I’ve already married you, divorced you, and hidden your body.
[taking out wet laundry]
me: finally everything’s clean!
that one wet sock: where’s the shittiest bit of floor I can land on?
The universe contains protons,neutrons,electrons and morons.
“And the award for Most British Name goes to…”
*Benedict Cumberbatch takes a sip of gin with his eyes closed*
If You cannot produce a baby in 1 month by impregnating 9 Women, You’re not a man yet!
My dog stepped in the pumpkin pie. I’m serving it anyway.