I love how popular barn weddings are…because nothing says marriage like horse shit.
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sure nickleback is great but have you guys ever heard of quarterback? they’re like 5 times better
My toddler just discovered he can put things in his pants pockets, so laundry should be fun tomorrow.
I hate when millennials make up new words and demand that we all use them. people should only communicate like they did before we started making up all these words: using short grunts & hitting each other over the head with large knobbly clubs
I hate hipsters. Their smug faces, vegan diet, tiny feet & sawdust bedding. No wait. Hamsters. I hate hamsters.
Shoot for the moon. Even if you miss, you’ve got 5 more rounds in the chamber. You’ll get that moon eventually. He’ll pay for what he did.
If we weren’t able to stop Bieber Fever I seriously doubt America can stop an Ebola epidemic.
A Covid test nurse asked if I’ve had a sudden loss of taste. I told her, “No, I’ve dressed like this for quite a while.”
Twitter is like a rocking chair.
It gives you something to do
and takes you nowhere
My job sucks but it pays the bills.
Too bad I can’t say the same things about my boyfriend.
The worst part about having PMS in the winter is the ground is too frozen to bury the bodies.
We now return to ‘CANADIAN SNIPER’
*canadian sniper shoots an enemy*
*canadian sniper yells ‘sorry’ from far away*
If you slowly put your fingers in someone’s mouth, they will quit telling you about their day at work.
Cilantro tastes like soap.
– People who eat soap, apparently
I would like a mode of transportation that only allows me to travel a foot at a time with maximum effort requiring stellar balance.
*pogo stick inventor* I got you.
Bus driver: *over intercom* it appears we have lost our brakes
Everyone: *freaking out*
Bus driver: which is dumb because I used to get 10 minute breaks every 2 hours
Everyone: *calms down*
Bus driver: oh also we are headed for a cliff
*Listens to We Didn’t Start the Fire by Billy Joel*
*Adds history major to resumé*
people should stop trying to drive the biggest cars and start trying to drive the goofiest shaped cars. i want to drive a car in the shape of a pizza slice
Me: *winks*
Him: *googles signs of a stroke*
My son is at that tender age where he believes me when I say that the dog ate the rest of the cookies out of the pantry.
When your spouse comes to you excited about a toilet seat, it’s best to remind yourself this person will most likely decide when to pull your life support plug someday so you get excited with them about that toilet seat.
me: *playing hopscotch* you sure you don’t want a turn?
guy: *hugging elevator wall tightly* yes
Having a reputation for being irresponsible gets me out of having to do a lot of stuff.
Neighbor: Help I have a plumbing emergency!
Me: *grabs tools*
Neighbor is naked and wet
Me: um what kind of plumbing are we talking about?
greetings!
“Eat right and exercise?!?…
I dunno…seems like some kind of a scam, Doc.”
shaking hands is weird, it’s like “hey, i don’t know you. let’s touch each other”
My grandpa used to eat onion sandwiches so yeah he and my grandma slept in separate bedrooms.
If I wasn’t meant to have a bowl of Halloween candy for dinner, I should’ve had more trick or treaters.
Damn boy, is your name Dulcolax because you irritate the shit out of me.