I love how popular barn weddings are…because nothing says marriage like horse shit.

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“Hey bro shotgun this beer”
No I don’t drink
“You wanna be cool don’t you?”
I don’t drink
“C’mon NERD!”
Grandma PLEASE stop


People who tweet in riddles need to know I’m not Batman.


How about a superhero whose power is TAKING CARE OF HIS KIDS *high-fives Maury audience while Batman storms off*


J.K. Rowling: “Theres actually a goat with Harry Potter the entire time, its just never mentioned or does anything.”


A chicken pie in Jamaica costs £2.00
A chicken pie in Trinidad costs £2.40
A chicken pie in St Kitts costs £2.15

These are the pie rates of the Caribbean


PISSED: teen gets fed up with teacher
“can i use the bathroom?”
“i don’t know, CAN you?”
*takes deep breath*
*pisses all over teachers desk*


[Thanksgiving dinner]
Wife: You’re always on your phone and never talk to me!

Me: Oh

Wife: ok so what’s everyone else thankful for?


[parent-teacher conference]
Teacher: Which kid is yours?
Me: I don’t have kids. I just heard the teachers here are hot.
M: How you doin’?