Of all the things the Internet has lied to me about, the ease and enthusiasm with which a cat will ride a Roomba is the biggest.
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It’s like nobody in this McDonalds has seen a guy spreading marmalade on a Big Mac before.
I should have known my son was stealing from his road construction job, but every time I came home I guess I just ignored all the signs.
A lady got off the train so I finished her crossword. Turns out she’d just gone to the toilet and now she’s back and she hates me.
I’m not saying I don’t love it when my 5yo says she wants to hug me I just wish it wasn’t almost exclusively said when she’s pooping.
Was that meant to be a joke or did you just accidentally spill a bunch of words you were carrying around?
EDWARD SCISSOR HANDS: I’m gonna kill you
EDWARD ROCK HANDS: not so fast
EDWARD PAPER HANDS: Looks like we’ve got a real Mexican stand-off
Finding Nemo 2? I swear, if that kid gets lost again Finding Nemo 3 better be where child services locks the dad up for extreme negligence.
printer: replace cyan ink cartridge
me: why? It’s a black and white document
printer: need cyan to print it
me: why?
printer: cyan
If Pringles really wanted the fun to never stop they’d make those tube things like 5 feet long.
“Drat!” Annie felt the unwelcome creep of human emotion intrude upon her sensible agenda.
I’m starting to think the girl in Madonna’s “Material Girl” is only interested in guys for their money, and not for who they are on the inside.
someone tried formatting these windows in a Word doc
Back in the day there was no Emoji for laughter. We had to write it out, like some sort of scribe.
Monday Lisa
i have to be eating a burrito for the facial recognition to work
Boss: You can’t or you won’t do it?
Me: Yes
Nurse: *handing me a newborn* You got this?
Me: Sometimes I have to dig through the trash to re-read the instructions for mac ‘n’ cheese
“The house always wins,” muttered Dorothy as she stared at the witch’s crushed body.
90% of moving to a new house in the summer is just figuring out which switch turns on the ceiling fan
If you burned CDs for the car so your original copies wouldn’t get scratched, it’s time to schedule your colonoscopy.
Him: We have made it completely idiot proof
Me: Stand aside and let a professional determine that
My cat slept on the couch last night so I guess that means we’re fighting
I wish they made barstools with seat belts and dual side airbags.
wife: That guy is texting and driving! That is so dangerous!
me [holding a donut in each hand and steering with my knee]: So dangerous
She was a very heavy smoker with a cough that curdled your blood.
Phlegm fatale, they called her.
My computer beat me at chess, but it was no match for me at kick boxing.
Let me tell you how you lost this game according to these rules I’ve just made up.
-Kids when you play board games together.
Me: What’s strange today may be normal tomorrow.
Home Depot employee: Sir, stop varnishing your body.
Survival Tip: When flipping off your wife behind her back…
Make sure she’s not standing in front of a mirror.
Cleaning the rocks of the earth one load of my kids’ laundry at a time