I love how Prince Charming is so dumb he doesn’t recognize Cinderella without her shoe.

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A homeless woman outside of Walmart winked at me this morning, long story short, it’s going to be an August wedding.


My car ran out of gas in a trailer park and now I have the most expensive home in the neighborhood.


How is it when my son has homework,I have to be involved??

Dude,I already did my time.


Hello 911.
“He’s back what do I do?”
It’s the just the mailman remember
“Ok, sorry.”
“Wait, he put something in my mailbo



5-year-old: What happens if you rub butter on a penguin?


I’m in a weird place in life because I’m not ready to get married, but I am ready to drag some cans behind my car


DATE: I want to date someone that is really into nature

MY BRAIN: say you like hiking

MY MOUTH: I’m planning to go off the grid & move into the mountains to become a forest troll soon


The Rainforest Cafe isn’t realistic enough for me. Part of the restaurant should burn down by the time you finish your meal.


Narcissist? Let’s just calm down with the big words and keep this conversation about me.


when someone calls you and you miss the call but you call them back literally one second later and they don’t answer. what’s going on there. did you drop your telephone in a well. did you get axe murdered.