@TheGladStork

I love how Simba acts upset when Mufasa dies as if he didn’t just do a choreographed musical number called “I Just Can’t Wait To Be King”.

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@actioncookbook

USERS: you’re alienating the people who actually use your product
TWITTER: likes are now florps
USERS: what
TWITTER: timeline goes sideways

@NikkiGlaser

What if ISIS started claiming responsibility for nice things like when my mom says, “who emptied the dishwasher?!”

@Lisabug74

In my trunk is a tire iron, a box of human hair, and a bottle of Grey Goose. I’m always prepared for an impromptu crime scene tampering.

@brynnester

[First Date]
Her: *shyly* I like a man with a big dong
Me: *rings the largest of my musical bells* How was that?

@MollyERA

“IF YOU’RE HAVING KNITTING PROBLEMS I FEEL BAD FOR YOU SON–” “stop rapping, Grandma” “–I GOT 99 PROBLEMS AND A STITCH AIN’T ONE”

@TheHyyyype

[speed-dating]

ME: wanna see a magic trick?

HER: sure!

ME: yikes *writes “27 years old and still believes in magic” in notebook*

@weinerdog4life

I always yell “FORE” when I’m throwing golf clubs out of my car at joggers.

@behindyourback

Satan: welcome to hell, know why you’re here?
Me: I regularly quoted mov-
Satan: YOU REGULARLY QUOTED MOVIES YOU HADN’T SEEN, SOOO OBNOXIOUS