USERS: you’re alienating the people who actually use your product
TWITTER: likes are now florps
TWITTER: timeline goes sideways
I love how Simba acts upset when Mufasa dies as if he didn’t just do a choreographed musical number called “I Just Can’t Wait To Be King”.
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What if ISIS started claiming responsibility for nice things like when my mom says, “who emptied the dishwasher?!”
In my trunk is a tire iron, a box of human hair, and a bottle of Grey Goose. I’m always prepared for an impromptu crime scene tampering.
Her: *shyly* I like a man with a big dong
Me: *rings the largest of my musical bells* How was that?
My will has a list of friends not allowed to speak at my funeral.
“IF YOU’RE HAVING KNITTING PROBLEMS I FEEL BAD FOR YOU SON–” “stop rapping, Grandma” “–I GOT 99 PROBLEMS AND A STITCH AIN’T ONE”
ME: wanna see a magic trick?
ME: yikes *writes “27 years old and still believes in magic” in notebook*
I always yell “FORE” when I’m throwing golf clubs out of my car at joggers.
I’ll stab someone if they hurt my kids. Or touch my nachos.
Satan: welcome to hell, know why you’re here?
Me: I regularly quoted mov-
Satan: YOU REGULARLY QUOTED MOVIES YOU HADN’T SEEN, SOOO OBNOXIOUS