I love how Simba acts upset when Mufasa dies as if he didn’t just do a choreographed musical number called “I Just Can’t Wait To Be King”.
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I’ve been taking anti-performance enhancing drugs and according to my life they’re working really well.
professor x: what’s your power?
me: i’m super chill
professor x: we already have iceman how would that help?
me: yeah man
professor x: what?
me: [nodding] yeah
I take off my blindfold. Before me is a gory tableau of death and destruction, bodies strewn across the landscape. The piñata is unscathed.
Me: Can we talk?
Carmen: *hot gluing fruit to a plate and placing it on her head* This is my Samba hat.
Me: Pretty. Look, I’m really worried about you.
I got replaced as Romeo in the high school play because the girl playing Juliet kept stabbing herself in Act I.
My work here is done
[*planning dinner*]
Me: “What sort of desserts do you like?”
Her: “Oh, any!”
Later:
Cop: seen anything unusual?
Me: a dolphin with a hat once
Cop: I mean around here
Me: nah they live in water
I don’t know, Jay-Z. If I was worth half a billion dollars, I’d have like 3 problems. Max.
My grandmother was parking on the street and I kept giggling. She finally asked me why, and I just said “paralleloGram.”
*hires sky writer to propose to psychic girlfriend*
WILL YOU MARRY ME
*2nd planes flies by 5 seconds later*
HELL NO
I’ve seen such a change in myself this past year. I’ve really grown a lot. I need bigger pants
“Oooo, a window. Let’s see if I can fly through it.” – Dumbass birds
[family get together]
mom: has anyone seen grandmas dentures?
me with 64 teeth: ramma losht hur wat now?
Kevin Spacey ordering a takeaway coffee from Starbucks and receiving the cup with ‘Kevin E’ written on the side.
[first day as a ninja]
me: *sneaking in*
him: I’ve been expecting you
me: how
him: dude, I heard the tic tacs rattling in your purse from a mile away is this your first day
Whenever I go down the stairs next to an escalator, I always move faster than the escalator to prove to the people I made the better decision
You: Help! I’ve been shot!
Me (remembering a time I poked a hole in the side of my cup o’ noodles with a fork but held my finger over it to stop the broth from leaking while I ate): I can help.
If your neighbor has wind chimes, you have wind chimes.
Kid next door asked if I could help him with his math homework, I said sure kid right after we play hide and seek, I’ll hide first.
[on my deathbed]
me: a….ah…..
wife: what is it!! what are you trying to say?
me: ah…… alexa…… play despacito
Cashier: your total comes to $59
Guy who forgets which numbers are funny: heheh nice
Get you a man who isn’t really into movies: He’ll never know that sweet love note you wrote him is really just a series of lines from Field of Dreams.
Being cute just died. Men are going to want a woman that can catch a chicken now.
Fashion designers: What do you want?
Me: something that hides my belly fat, shows off my curves and something even an 80 year old would find comfortable
Fashion designers: we don’t do magic
Have kids so that you can remind them constantly about something only to have them look at you each time as if this is the first they’ve heard of it.
Guys waiting their turn for a haircut are a barbercue.
Men’s jeans: We have 1000 sizes. What is your waist? What is your height? Where are your hips?
Women’s jeans: We have two sizes, Chickpea and Sycamore
My friend is trying to quit his addiction to marathons. He’s in a 55,000 step program.