@TheGladStork

I love how Simba acts upset when Mufasa dies as if he didn’t just do a choreographed musical number called “I Just Can’t Wait To Be King”.

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@SinCityChiGirl

If Ben Affleck played Daredevil and Batman does that mean that he’s blind as a bat?
#WellThatsAGoodQuestion

@WilliamAder

I have to wonder why we have “non-essential” government employees in the first place.

@JennyJohnsonHi5

Snoop Dogg changed his name to Snoop Lion and says he’s Bob Marley reincarnated, proving you can actually overdose on marijuana.

@andlikelaura

Harry Potter at an interview

Interviewer: It says here you defeated Lord Voldemort when you were 17 years-old.
Harry: That’s correct, sir.
Interviewer: But no experience with Excel. Wow.

@twitishinvasion

What idiot called it “learning to be patient” and not “gaining wait”?

@SnarkyMommy78

My 4yo heard me say my shoulders were hurting and offered to give me a massage. She proceeded to punch and poke me a few times and then said “all done”. And honestly, I’ve paid for worse.

@imteddybless

ok i’m just gonna say it… it seems petty that money comes out of my account every *single* time i buy something. give me a break

@joshgondelman

There’s nothing to stop you from whispering “I’m in!” like a hacker when you enter your own email password.