I love how Simba acts upset when Mufasa dies as if he didn’t just do a choreographed musical number called “I Just Can’t Wait To Be King”.
You Might Also Like
My toddler got me up at 4:30am because “Eeyore said it’s morning” Stupid donkey ruining my life
*Texting*
HIM: Do you have any snacks?
ME: In my panty.
H: Lol, you misspelled “pantry.”
M: Nope.
Predict the weather? How about you predict the lottery numbers, you chubby little rodent
I’ve known my drug dealer since I was this high.
Me when people tell me secrets I already knew
My son just literally ran into a trash can, then got up and walked around it to put his empty snack wrapper in my hand, if you’re wondering what it’s like to be a mom.
Who called it a one night stand and not a humpty dumpty
Dingo: The dingo community is known for many other things
TV Host: What are cooking for us today?
Dingo: I’m making my famous baby coleslaw
WAITER: questions about the menu?
ME: is it recycled paper?
WAITER: no, i meant about what’s on it
ME: oh. what kind of ink is this?
Jesus: my child, when there was only one set of footprints, Fred Flintstone was driving.
Cat toys that look like actual mice are going to be the reason for my heart attack
this is me not knowing my powerpoint presentation was not showing up on the screen but my wallpaper instead
NOT all policemen are strippers.
Worlds greatest photobomb
some people try so hard to be anti technology “i don’t watch tv i watch the sunrise and my favorite director is god” can u calm down
I suspect in a previous life I was either Napoleon or maybe some socks.
Twitter handles are like bands from the 90s. I don’t really remember anything they wrote, but when I see their name, I have a vague sense of whether I hate them or not.
Dear Cool People, they didn’t name a candy after you, did they? Love, Nerds.
Me: I wish I had a nickname.
Coworker: You do.
me: *taking off shirt* YOU WANT A PIECE OF ME???
dermatologist: once again, it’s called a biopsy
Her: Oh, you brought me flowers!
Me: Yes, one of the many benefits of living next door to a graveyard…
I always feel better when my doctor says something is normal for my age but then think dying will also be normal for my age at some point.
King: and you’re sure ALL the horses are helping, right?
King’s man: [watching a dozen horses smash eggshells into dust with their hooves] define helping
Tried to sneakily put my 5-year-old to bed an hour early because I was exhausted, figuring I could get away with it because it was cloudy and dark outside. Little dude looked me dead in the eye and, “Alexa, what time is it?”
I’m not intimidated by a pretty woman.
I’m intimidated by smart women, who happen to be pretty.
I just asked 10 what she wants to be when she grows up and she said just like me. So, confused and listless it is then.
satan: welcome slaves to your eternal damnation.
dad: can someone turn on the ac its as hot as hell in here.
satan:…
dad: sorry i dont want to get “fired” the first day on the job.
satan:…
dad: im going to super hell arent i.
satan: youre going to super hell.
I told the kids they’ve stressed me out so much I burst a vessel in my eye, so they brought me a plate of cheese.
I was hoping for a clean kitchen but I am disarmingly soothed.
detective: what happened?
librarian: a guy stole $10,000 worth of college textbooks
detective: how’d he do that?
librarian: I think he hid them both in his jacket
“Write this down.”
[Moses grabs tablet]
“Thou shalt not steal [raises eyebrow] where did you get that tablet from?”