2yo: Me sick *sneezes in my face*
Me: Oh good, what fun plague am I going to catch now?
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Being a parent of 1 kid: I don’t know who I trust to babysit my child.
Being a parent of 2 feral toddlers: [summons Bloody Mary]
Been asking what IDGAF means and so far I can’t say people’s responses have been that helpful
Me: I think my back is hurt, I can barely get out of bed.
14: Oh that’s too bad. Can you take me to get an iced coffee?
This might sound like an off the wall question. But what do you think of parkour?
Trust me, it’s all filters and angles. I’m actually a saint bernard.
WAITER: Ready to order?
GIANT WORM IN TRENCHCOAT: Bring me dirt from the grave!
W: We cannot
GWIT: I HUNGER FOR CORPSE EARTH
W: Again no
New Joker looks like he has the Memento disease and needs a bunch of tattoos to remind him he’s the Joker.
Risking my life for fun.
I just want to be considered unstable enough to where nobody wants me involved in their pyramid scheme.
[devil’s first day on the job]
human: so i get anything I want?
devil: yes
human: and all you want is my shoe?
devil: just the bottom part, but yes
[tries to eject CD 5 mins into space mission]
Houston we have a problem
I KNOW U CHEATED W/MY WIFE TOM ENJOY 12 YRS OF SMASH MOUTH U PRICK
“Hey, we’re wearing the same shoes,” I say to a teenager, ruining her day.
My husband was upset that the baby spit up on his “nice clothes”.
I’m not sure if I’m more confused by my husband thinking he has “nice clothes” or that he doesn’t understand what a washing machine does.
Trump’s rhetoric has become even more disturbing and incendiary. Today he claimed “Burger King fries are as good as McDonald’s fries.”
“just gonna move this somewhere so i don’t lose it”
famous last (known whereabouts) words
Wife: Can you put the gps on mute, turn off the air conditioner and the music
Also my wife: why are you grumpy on this long drive
“I’m the only cop on the force who can play the bassoon dammit” “Not anymore” New cop in sunglasses walks in, just killing it on the bassoon
You know what they say about a guy with big hands?
He can carry more cheeseburgers.
i speak three languages: english, bad french and the body language of an emotionally compromised and haunted male detective
[looks into a mirror]
Well. That can’t be right.
angel: sir, we’ve invented daylight
God: it’s so harsh, you can see every little imperfection. How do you expect people to procreate?
angel: we also invented tequila
Remember if a company says “we’re like a family here” they don’t mean like a nice TV family they mean like a normal family where everyone has undiagnosed mental health issues and no one likes each other.
You haven’t lived until you’ve had a dog give you the “Jesus Christ go to bed already” look
IDEA FOR COURTROOM SKETCH ARTISTS: a camera
A spider just fell from the ceiling and landed right in front of me and now I have to explain why a woman was screaming in my cubicle.
I will never forget when my mom tried to use her cancer to get my sisters boyfriend of 7 years to propose by saying “don’t make me go to my oldest daughters wedding bald Steve” and he looked this woman dead in the eyes and responded “they make really good wigs now, Joan” ruthless
Just told my mom I’m gonna mow the laundry today. Honestly it doesn’t sound like such a bad idea.
I don’t care if you talk behind my back. Just speak up so I can hear you too.
I don’t hate you, but if you we’re drowning, I would dive in and handcuff a piano to your neck.
THERAPIST: what’s the problem?
WIFE: he replaces words with animal names just to annoy me
ME: I don’t do it on porpoise