I’m going to steal my own tweets and get mad at myself.
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You sneeze, and a tiny book titled “A spiders guide to navigating the human brain” shoots out your nose. You faintly hear a spider cussing.
Was just called down to Human Resources.
Apparently replying “Unsubscribe” to every email I get is frowned upon.
My 3-year-old wanted to wash dishes but the dishes weren’t dirty enough for her so she lost her shit. Sometimes 3-year-old’s really *takes deep breath* test your patience.
I’m putting off having kids mainly because I’m not ready to be 9 months sober.
satan: welcome slaves to your eternal damnation.
dad: can someone turn on the ac its as hot as hell in here.
satan:…
dad: sorry i dont want to get “fired” the first day on the job.
satan:…
dad: im going to super hell arent i.
satan: youre going to super hell.
posted the “what are my red flags” thing on instagram and not a single person replied. just as i suspected, i am perfect.
God: i’m sorry the answers no.
Jellyfish: please?
God: it’s just too ridiculous.
Jellyfish: don’t I deserve a best friend?
God: yes but-
Jellyfish: pretty please? : (
God: I can’t just make a PeanutButterfish
if dolly were in the holy bible she’d be in charge of parton the red seas.
kids: the floor is lava
teens: the floor is laundry
Well, lookie there. Bring a cheesecake to a gunfight and suddenly EVERYBODY wishes you’d brought a knife.
Ok I won’t subliminally ask any more subtraction problems, but I only did it 6 or maybe 3 times. What’s the difference?
I just noticed the light fixture in the bathroom is off center, so no, I won’t be renewing my lease.
Emotional support bacon is a thing right? Because I’m on pound number 2
GOOD COP: cover me!
DAD COP: *tucks him in* snug as a bug
Luke is so old now he just uses the Force to keep the neighborhood kids off his lawn
What doesn’t kill you makes you stronger, except for bears, bears will kill you.
Which one of you shrunk all of my jeans?
Overheard my 11 y/o daughter record her voicemail greeting: “Hi, you’ve reached my voicemail. When you hear the beep, hang up and send me a text.” This generation gets it.
Me: we’re throwing a surprise party for Tim
Wife: don’t you hate Tim?
Me: [filling balloons with bees] yes
Boys get 1 polo shirt and wear it till the horse dies!!
just thinking about how I had a convo with a dude who said he thinks he’s allergic to almonds bc they make his tongue itch but chocolate is a good anti-inflammatory because his tongue doesn’t itch when it’s chocolate covered almonds…
The closest I’ve ever come to winning anything was that time I got picked from a lineup at the station.
This is me
This fishing rod sucks. I have yet catch a single oyster.
I WISH I WERE PAC-MAN SO WHEN I GOT UPSET I COULD EAT SOME CHERRIES & EVERYONE AROUND ME WOULD TURN INTO GHOSTS
How come mimes never imagine being in bigger boxes?
This wine tastes like everyone can go make their own dinner.
Some of you take selfies from so close up, I’m beginning to wonder if you’re a T-Rex.
Everyone saying “Poor Steve Nash, he got hurt again”. POOR? That boy making $9,701,000 this year. If he poor, then I’m skinny.
My fortune cookie reads “I peed in your fried rice” and it’s hand written…