I love how the Ninja Turtles wear masks to hide their identity. It’s not like you’re a giant turtle or anything.

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Bear boss: I need to see you two in my office right away.
*I see my coworker is nervous*
Me: Relax, how bad can it be.
Salmon: Shut. Up.


[Calling a guy for the 1st time]

Him: Hello

Me: Helloooooo!!! *in Mrs. Doubtfire’s voice*

*panics, hangs up*


HAIRDRESSER: *holding mirror* and the back?

DRACULA: *nodding* um.. yeah.. sure.. great thanks


Creep yelling from window: “HEY SEXY WHERE YO MAN?”
Me yelling back: “HE DEAD”


So, I bought the Cucumber Mint lip balm from Burt’s Bees. I kinda love it and hate it too. What? Oh, yeah I want to report a murder.


He thinks the lipstick kiss I left on his bedroom mirror was for him, but I was just kissing my reflection.


If anyone is thinking of fighting me, just know I cook bacon topless.


I’m lazy, but not ‘The guy who named blackbirds’ lazy.


I have an inferiority complex about my superiority complex.
I know I’m better than you, but I feel really bad about it.


At what point do they stop replacing the wobbly wheels and just send the shopping cart off to live on the farm?