If my ex had an autobiography it would be called “Mein Cramps”
What, did you NOT SEE that one coming?
I love how the Ninja Turtles wear masks to hide their identity. It’s not like you’re a giant turtle or anything.
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[First Day Working At The Zoo]
Me: Well I got the pandas to have sex. It was super easy.
Boss: They actually mated with each other?
Me: Oh not with each other
The fastest land animal is a guy that sees a woman about to go through his phone
Nothing says ‘I dont take you seriously’ like your dog wagging his tail when you are yelling at him.
If you think meeting your girlfriends parents is hard just remember? Someone is going to try to date Eminems daughter
A fine piece of art is like a fine piece of ass, I don’t understand either one but I want to take both home and mount them against the wall.
When my wife wants my opinion, she’ll give it to me.
7: Mama, are you lonely when we go to bed?
Me: (Handle this like a great mom. Get the look off your face. Don’t laugh.) Of course, sweetie.
People said I was wasting my time playing Tetris, but here I am, loading the dishwasher like a beast.
[baby is bouncing in swing seat]
I wish I had one of those.
They bring great joy.
I (to self)
Oh, he thinks I mean a baby.