@QuotingJokes

I love how the Ninja Turtles wear masks to hide their identity. It’s not like you’re a giant turtle or anything.

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@tchrquotes

Bear boss: I need to see you two in my office right away.
*I see my coworker is nervous*
Me: Relax, how bad can it be.
Salmon: Shut. Up.

@Sweetonme81

[Calling a guy for the 1st time]

Him: Hello

Me: Helloooooo!!! *in Mrs. Doubtfire’s voice*

*panics, hangs up*

@trojansauce

HAIRDRESSER: *holding mirror* and the back?

DRACULA: *nodding* um.. yeah.. sure.. great thanks

@alesiavsworld

Creep yelling from window: “HEY SEXY WHERE YO MAN?”
Me yelling back: “HE DEAD”
Him: “WHAT HAPPENED TO HIM?”
Me: “HE YELLED AT ME”

@PFitzpa

So, I bought the Cucumber Mint lip balm from Burt’s Bees. I kinda love it and hate it too. What? Oh, yeah I want to report a murder.

@Ideal_Victoria

He thinks the lipstick kiss I left on his bedroom mirror was for him, but I was just kissing my reflection.

@hellosarawren

If anyone is thinking of fighting me, just know I cook bacon topless.

@ItsAndyRyan

I’m lazy, but not ‘The guy who named blackbirds’ lazy.

@Snarfernini

I have an inferiority complex about my superiority complex.
I know I’m better than you, but I feel really bad about it.

@Darlainky

At what point do they stop replacing the wobbly wheels and just send the shopping cart off to live on the farm?