There should be guide dogs that prevent you from making bad decisions.
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The directions on every jar of anti-aging cream should read: “Apply liberally to face & neck 20 years ago.”
Me: “Your baby looks just like you.”
-“Thank you!”
Me: “Funny you took that as a compliment but ok.”
Me: I’m pretty sure I just died, but this place looks exactly like my office
Satan: yeah, welcome to hell
Me: well, I guess it could be worse
Satan: I also signed you up to be on the party planning committee
Me: NOOOOOOOOOOOO
[at the office]
Batman: somebody hit the batmobile while I was inside the building.Harvey Dent:
Interviewer: What were you doing during this two-year gap on your résumé?
Me: Downloading a software upgrade on my iPhone.
[Flirting in a bar]
ME: Did it hurt…
HER: …
ME: …when you fell down from that balcony?
PARAMEDIC: Sir, I won’t ask again
GEICO: customer service, how can we help?
ME: I’ve been in a car accident
GEICO: ok are you in a safe location?
ME: *looking around bank vault I crashed into* how did you know?
I love sipping margaritas by the pool. Or, as my neighbor with a pool calls it, “Trespassing.”
If peeing was an Olympic event, I would win gold. But then I would miss the awards ceremony because I was taking a leak.
My parents are always pestering me to have kids. “Who will carry on the ancient family curse?” they say.
singer at concert: *says name of city we’re in*
me: that’s the name of the city we’re in!
friend: it is good to hear the name of our city!
I have a firm understanding of basic math.
Example: I have two cupcakes and I’m going to eat them both.
VILLIAN: all this money is mine
BANK TELLER: help us Velcroman, he’s getting away
VELCROMAN: *stuck to the floor* who puts carpet in a bank?
Can’t feed an old dog new Trix.
Trix are for kids.
I actually feel bad for kids who grow up having access to unlimited knowledge. It used to be so easy to lie. When I was a kid someone told me they went to the same synagogue as Sonic the Hedgehog, and honestly I didn’t have enough information to dispute that.
You can tell a lot about a person by how early their neighbors call the cops on Thanksgiving.
Me: *sets alarm for 7am*
Brain: Sounds important! I’m going to go ahead and wake you up three hours early
If my kids ask, the police will arrest me if I let them stay up late.
If you love someone don’t do anything. Just wait, see what happens. Maybe it will go away
This painting is titled “Mother, May I Sleep with Danger?”
“Dora” only rhymes with “Explorer” if you’re from Long Island, New York
127 hours but when he finally cuts his arm it’s a cake
him: there is something wrong, but I can’t quite put my finger on it
me: do I need a proctologist with longer arms, then?
My diet starts in January
of 2027
if u propose to your partner at my wedding i am shooting you with a gun
ah yes the two sexualities, queer and italian
*walks up to cashier with paper towels*
Are these the largest tampons you have?
Math problem:
Q: John has 32 candy bars. He eats 28. What does he have now?
A: Diabetes. John has diabetes.
there is no such thing as a “cool” 24 year old. there are 24 year olds who act like weird teenagers and 24 year olds who like, work at the bank. that’s it, there is no in between.
good work, everybody