I hear you knocking at my door. You thinking I’m going to answer it is your second mistake.
I love how they gave Scooby-Doo a speech impediment, as if people would be like “That makes sense, because dogs have difficulty speaking..”
You Might Also Like
WOLVERINE’S DAD: Son do you know why I named you Wolverine
WOLVERINE: No, father
WOLVERINE’S DAD: It is because my name is Wolverine’s Dad
making better choices in 2020:
-everyone expects it
making worse choices in 2020:
-arguably more impressive
-no one expects it
-“how were there worse choices”, they will say
The downside to being such a good man is all the s*xual excitement it evokes in my admirers. As such, I’ve had to create a series of automated messages in my DMs to deal with all the s*xy texting requests
My daughter does this thing where she copies EVERYTHING the dog does; Bark, beg, fetch etc. It was adorable!
Until the dog humped the couch
WIFE: He never pays any attention to me. All he cares about is that dog.
THERAPIST: is this true?
ME: [sewing swim trunks for the dog] is what true?
me: i think i like this huge decorative rock
me: ok [with confidence] I REALLY LOVE THIS HUGE DECORATIVE ROCK
twitter getting rid of the 140-character limit is a bad idea. the ability to say what you need to say in as few words as possible is (1/533)
The most judgmental aquatic mammal is probably the seal of disapproval.
Crazy how some people consider swimming to be a sport when the only alternative to it is drowning.