I love how they gave Scooby-Doo a speech impediment, as if people would be like “That makes sense, because dogs have difficulty speaking..”
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Not having a date on Valentine’s Day doesn’t really worry me…
It’s those 364 other date-less days that are causing me a bit of concern.
I put the hot in psychotic.
I hurt my back making tater tots. The directions said bake 16 minutes and flip halfway.
[goes back in time]
Me: WOW! I can’t believe I’m seeing a real dinosau–
T-Rex: MOOOOOOOOOO!
Apatosaurus: MOOOOOO!!
Triceratops: MOOOOO!!
Me: So you guys moo
Archaeopteryx: MOOOOOOOO!
Honk if you are possessed by the vengeful spirit of a goose
My 6yr old says she’s going to stay up until the New Year, NO MATTER WHAT. She just asked if it was midnight yet, it’s 7:05.
HORSE WEARING EARBUDS: *walks into bar*
BARTENDER: Why the long fa–
HORSE: CAN I GET AN APPLETINI?
the family mocked me when I said I was building a rocket to fire the hamster into space, but I notice they all subscribed to the YouTube channel to watch the official launch
Before joining Twitter I thought I was stupid. But now I’ve realised I’m not alone.
Ibuprofen is the new Chiclets for people over 40
doctor: what seems to be the problem
me: it seems like u should be telling me
Inspiring: Celebrities Spell Out ‘We’re All In This Together’ With Their Yachts
Whenever I start to feel old, I just remind myself I’m still young enough to play a teenager on Beverly Hills 90210.
Bartender – Would you like to try our pumpkin beer?
Me – Can I have a different bartender please?
My brain: “safe place” or “safe spot”
My mouth: safe splot
chicken run, though it depicts chickens, touches on a universal human truth. I don’t want to be a pie.
Girl you got more red flags than a well played game of minesweeper
Wife: How was work?
Me: Funny story. I emerged from a different cubicle in the men’s room to the one I thought I’d gone into
W: I despise you
89% of my class in high school thought I was good in math because I’m Asian. Luckily the other 27% were smarter than that.
mike tyson’s full name is mike thank you son
Surround yourself with people who want to give you money.
[On a date]
Him: I love a woman with a sense of humor, I’m a sucker for a good pun.
Me: omg same. lol Jeremy if you were sliced up into little pieces and soaked in coffee liqueur and then layered between ladyfingers you’d be a jeramisu.
Him:
Me:
Him:
Me: jeramisu
Date: Why are you so nervous?
Me: I’ve never seen talking fruit before
Condoms aren’t completely safe. A friend of mine was wearing one and got hit by a bus.
*The Proclaimers put on a Fitbit
Fitbit: Awww, Hell No!!!
me: I heard this cemetery was haunted
caretaker: I’ve worked here 173 years and haven’t seen anything
Dr: How many drinks do you have per week?
Me: Four-
Dr: okay
Me: -teen
Dr:
Me: -ish.
My wife suggested taking Ecstasy to help with sex and so far she’s banged three neighbors and the UPS guy
lmao at snakes that think they are “hiding” in a patch of grass. i see u, sweetie. i am only pretending 2 be surprised