@Cpin42

I love how they gave Scooby-Doo a speech impediment, as if people would be like “That makes sense, because dogs have difficulty speaking..”

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@Crunk_Jews

Tell me, “everything happens for a reason” so I know you’re an idiot.

@OctopusCavemann

Man: Is there a doctor in the house?

Dr: I have a PHD in literature

Man: This man is having a heart attack!

Dr: Thou know’st ’tis common; all that lives must die…

@GoldenSpirals

No matter how prepared you think you are,

a retractable vacuum cord will always find the weakness in your defense.

@NicestHippo

You’re an adult now. Stop lying about your life on Facebook and start doing it on LinkedIn

@PrettyInCamo11

You know it’s time for a pedicure when you can exfoliate one foot with the other one

@ObscureGent

[1st date]

Him: Do you like magic?

Her: I LOVE MAGIC

Him: klatu barada nikto!
[Woman’s dead grandpa emerges from the ground]

Her: *Screams*

Him: Oh, so you meant you like illusions.

@FrenulumBreve

ME: [licking lips in anticipation] I’m nervous. I’ve never done a bungee jump before.
INSTRUCTOR: don’t lick my lips again.