@Cpin42

I love how they gave Scooby-Doo a speech impediment, as if people would be like “That makes sense, because dogs have difficulty speaking..”

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@Smiilze

I hear you knocking at my door. You thinking I’m going to answer it is your second mistake.

@AnnDabromowitz

WOLVERINE’S DAD: Son do you know why I named you Wolverine
WOLVERINE: No, father
WOLVERINE’S DAD: It is because my name is Wolverine’s Dad

@randypaint

making better choices in 2020:
-hard
-impressive
-everyone expects it

making worse choices in 2020:
-easier
-arguably more impressive
-no one expects it
-“how were there worse choices”, they will say

@Michael1979

The downside to being such a good man is all the s*xual excitement it evokes in my admirers. As such, I’ve had to create a series of automated messages in my DMs to deal with all the s*xy texting requests

@WilliamRodgers

My daughter does this thing where she copies EVERYTHING the dog does; Bark, beg, fetch etc. It was adorable!

Until the dog humped the couch

@Reverend_Scott

WIFE: He never pays any attention to me. All he cares about is that dog.

THERAPIST: is this true?

ME: [sewing swim trunks for the dog] is what true?

@daemonic3

[home depot]

me: i think i like this huge decorative rock

her: boulder

me: ok [with confidence] I REALLY LOVE THIS HUGE DECORATIVE ROCK

@andylevy

twitter getting rid of the 140-character limit is a bad idea. the ability to say what you need to say in as few words as possible is (1/533)

@WheelTod

The most judgmental aquatic mammal is probably the seal of disapproval.

@mollzbenn

Crazy how some people consider swimming to be a sport when the only alternative to it is drowning.