Tell me, “everything happens for a reason” so I know you’re an idiot.
I love how they gave Scooby-Doo a speech impediment, as if people would be like “That makes sense, because dogs have difficulty speaking..”
You Might Also Like
Man: Is there a doctor in the house?
Dr: I have a PHD in literature
Man: This man is having a heart attack!
Dr: Thou know’st ’tis common; all that lives must die…
No matter how prepared you think you are,
a retractable vacuum cord will always find the weakness in your defense.
You’re an adult now. Stop lying about your life on Facebook and start doing it on LinkedIn
You know it’s time for a pedicure when you can exfoliate one foot with the other one
this is proof that if we all work together we can do anything
Him: Do you like magic?
Her: I LOVE MAGIC
Him: klatu barada nikto!
[Woman’s dead grandpa emerges from the ground]
Him: Oh, so you meant you like illusions.
This is it, this is the image of the year
Not now pee, I’m sleeping.
ME: [licking lips in anticipation] I’m nervous. I’ve never done a bungee jump before.
INSTRUCTOR: don’t lick my lips again.