Youtube is the only place where you’ll find people arguing about religion in the comments of a snowboarding video.
I love how twitter uses little bluebirds to give the impression we are all sweet talkers. A couple of pterodactyls would be more realistic..
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God: got bears?
God: got birds?
Noah: Um… the bears ate them
Noah: IT’S A LOGISTICAL NIGHTMARE
[Alligator feeding at the zoo]
Me: Hey let me do it
Keeper: 1st time?
M: Heck no
*alligator takes me by the arm*
I WAS JUST BRAGGING SAVE ME
Ever since CATS come out things have been way off
[on a 1st date]
Me: I’m just looking to take things slow
Her: *in a wedding dress* me too
Wearing my bathing suit as underwear in case a random pool party breaks out sounds way better than too lazy to do laundry.
If you cross a guinea pig with a hedgehog you get a pighog. I don’t make the rules
I could tell my parents truly loved me as a child. My bath toys were a toaster, radio and a blow dyer.
Him: You’ll always be the one that got away. Me: Escaped. Him: What? Me: I said Thanks.
Apparently at some point in history, hotcakes sold quite briskly.