@GensPlace

I love how twitter uses little bluebirds to give the impression we are all sweet talkers. A couple of pterodactyls would be more realistic..

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@JihadPizza

Youtube is the only place where you’ll find people arguing about religion in the comments of a snowboarding video.

@justokdane

God: got bears?
Noah: Yup
God: got birds?
Noah: Ya
God: Unicorns?
Noah: Um… the bears ate them
God: WHAT
Noah: IT’S A LOGISTICAL NIGHTMARE

@flashember

[Alligator feeding at the zoo]
Me: Hey let me do it
Keeper: 1st time?
M: Heck no
*alligator takes me by the arm*
I WAS JUST BRAGGING SAVE ME

@mattZillaaaa

[on a 1st date]

Me: I’m just looking to take things slow

Her: *in a wedding dress* me too

@BadJordon

Wearing my bathing suit as underwear in case a random pool party breaks out sounds way better than too lazy to do laundry.

@e4moji

If you cross a guinea pig with a hedgehog you get a pighog. I don’t make the rules

@Consent2Treat

I could tell my parents truly loved me as a child. My bath toys were a toaster, radio and a blow dyer.

@Ivsy01

Him: You’ll always be the one that got away. Me: Escaped. Him: What? Me: I said Thanks.

@UnFitz

Apparently at some point in history, hotcakes sold quite briskly.