I love how twitter uses little bluebirds to give the impression we are all sweet talkers. A couple of pterodactyls would be more realistic..
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Girlfriend: *whispering* Have you ever thought of getting rid of that mole?
Me: He may be blind, but he’s not deaf
[creating humans]
God: They will have a powerful immune system
Assistant: Boring
God: ok some will die from eating a peanut
A: Nice, nice
Walmart customers are classless.
You shouldn’t drink Cabernet from a Pringle’s can.
Those cans are meant strictly for Pinot Noir.
[puts a tub of Blue Bell in the cart]
Ma’am, did you hear there was a recall? That could be deadly.
[slowly puts second tub in cart]
[first day working at the zoo]
Me: I don’t know, one minute the tortoise was in the cage-
Supervisor: *letting me out* but how did he get your keys
[dinner party]
*removing myself from table* Excuse me, I have to take this.
*picks up host’s dog*
*leaves*
[spelling bee]
Your word is “pneumonia”.
“Can you use it in a sentence?”
Of course, you can use any word in a sentence. No more hints.
You come home early and catch the cat eating with a knife and fork at the table. You stare at each other unsure of the next move.
I have some cake and now I’m eating it too. Not seeing the problem here.
Friend at Memorial Day BBQ: I see you wasted no time with the white pants.
Me: These are my legs.
Before you start your artisanal candle business ask yourself: does the world need one more lychee-scented soy candle? Or even one?
Had a nightmare then couldn’t go back to sleep so I got up and ate the cheesecake or at least I hope that’s what it was.
inventor of pita: i have created bread in the form of a pocket.
assistant: aha so you can easily fill it with food.
inventor of pita: oh. [chuckles] oh it won’t be easy.
Why is the gynecologist tool called a speculum and not a “snatchula”?
The day we decided such footwear would be called “flip-flops” was not our most creative moment.
You can walk a mile in sweat pants and have no problem. As soon as you have bags of groceries in each hand they’re around your ankles.
He’s eating a burger and fries all nom nom nom and I’m over here eating a salad all non non non.
DON’T INTERRUPT ME!!!
(me, in a drunken argument with your dog)
these two trucks have the same bed length
Brit: You don’t say queue in America, do you?
Me: *condescendingly* We say all of the letters here.
Jokes on you, inflation, I’ll never stop buying peanut butter.
Murder is like cilantro. You either love it. Or it tastes like soap.
Friend: So, how did you two meet?
Husband: In a bar.
Wife: The air had just begun to take a chill, I remember I was wearing a new scarf. Change was in the air, but I had no idea my whole life was about to be turned in upside down. When I walked into the dimly lit pub…
I just ran 4.1 Kms and realized you can write anything you want after that and no one will read it purple monkey dishwasher.
it’s ok earthquake, i’m only a 4.8 in new york too
Capricorn is just regular corn wearing cute little short pants.
haha remember when I was in charge of a children’s birthday party at the pottery studio I worked at and I kicked things off by saying “alright it’s jenna’s sixth birthday, pretty impressive she’s made it this far…”
[punches shark on the nose]
Shark: that wont stop me
Me: are you crying
Shark: no it’s always wet & salty on my face, I’m fine
*sees baby*
*crouches down, does some cute baby talk*
*no reaction from baby*
*stands up slowly*
You’ve made a powerful enemy today, baby
never trust a person who says they don’t like chocolate, even dogs eat chocolate and it kills them