I love how we all talk about The Last Supper painting & nobody mentions that all 13 of those guys were sitting on the same side of the booth
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Some people exercise every day.
I’m trying to teach my self-cleaning oven to do the rest of the house.
Library patron on the phone is furious that we’re holding her responsible for a DVD that she swears she never checked out and besides it’s such a stupid movie she didn’t even finish watching it.
me: I always sleep naked
flight attendant: no
The next man who calls me deluded is going to regret it when he finds me sitting in his house wearing a wedding dress.
I was going to pay my mortgage this month, but I was asked to bring guacamole to the family potluck.
If you see my kid on zoom in the same clothes he’s been wearing the past five days mind your business our homeschool has a uniform.
Me: i am not being ratatouilled by a mcnugget
The McNugget Rattatoulleing Me: PUT UR HAND IN THE DEEP FRIER
Toys R Us went out of business because their mascot was a stupid giraffe when it could’ve been a toy dinosaur called the Toysaurus. It was right there man.
The sexual tension between my tendency to do something stupid and my resolve not to.
I’m really bad at portioning uncooked pasta…so if you and 110 of your friends wanna come over, dinner is ready.
He’s all “I’m totally a normal guy”
But then “I eat raw radishes all the time”
Make up your mind dude.
Just got added to a list called “people.” Glad I made that cut.
I don’t care what the scale says.
I know it’s time to start exercising if a wolf tries to huff & puff & blow my house down.
I don’t consider myself to be an overly dramatic person, but I have had a mosquito bite ruin my life.
The first rule of Oedipus Club: mum’s the word.
I wonder if Houdini ever locked himself out of the house.
Watching my kids inspecting the French dips I made like I’m about to defend a dissertation
Them: and what is this?
Me: that is ..(checks notes).. Provolone cheese, ma’am
Them: hmmmmm….
So when is too soon to ask your friend if you can borrow their baby to reenact The Lion King? One day old? Two?
I can’t find my scrabble set and I’m honestly lost for words.
you idiots wanna bring back the 90s but I haven’t seen a single zigzag part in anybody’s hair
My husband has decided to take on a kitchen renovation project by himself because “it can’t be that hard.” He’s currently watching a YouTube video.
Pray for me.
Turns out my toddler’s only ingredient for Banana Stew is bananas, and now I understand why she rolled her eyes when I asked for the recipe
The best way to open a stubborn jar is to take a deep breath and recite an ancient Wiccan incantation.
Been feeling a little moody and run down lately, so I googled my symptoms to see what I might have.
It’s kids. I have kids.
I don’t have a swimmer’s body. I have more of a drowning to death body. #Olympics
Nothing says “I’m stubborn” like owning a BlackBerry in 2013.
I laughed and my gum shot out of my mouth, but I caught it with my hand and my lightning reflexes, so….be a cooler idiot
Everyone on this train is pretending like a hotdog didn’t just fall out my pocket.
The way to cure your loneliness is to get on out there! But first, be better looking. And stop being yourself, that’s obviously not working.
Me: Wow, you’re glowing.
Her: Aaaaww, thank you!
Me: No, like radioactive…
Her: . . .
Me: Tone down the filters?