I love how we have a big tv so my 3 kids can crowd around the tiny iPad and argue over not being able to see.

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We’re throwing a surprise retirement party for a guy at the office and the “party” isn’t the surprise.


*jumps from plane*

*forgets parachute*

*grabs onto flying squirrel*

*lives to tell the tale*


If I owned a bar, the only food I’d serve would be warm buns and it would have a dance floor. I would name it Abundance.

I am so sorry.


[on the phone]

Me: I can’t make it in today
Boss: That’s the 3rd time this week
M: *neck deep in Kit Kat wrappers* I have a problem


mom: so where did you two meet?

me: [afraid to say we met online] the concrete exercise yard of a maximum-security prison


Overheard a woman say very angrily on the phone “I married a stale ham sandwich of a human” and calling someone a stale ham sandwich is probably my new favorite insult


Dad- I want you to have everything in this world that your heart desires.
*Can I have oreos?*


Just lookin for a girl to help me organize my plastic bag drawer.