I love how we have a big tv so my 3 kids can crowd around the tiny iPad and argue over not being able to see.

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Lauren’s coming over.

“Lauren from work or the one who pretends to be a Dr?”

Lauren: Sorry I’m late, I removed a gooblyglop from a dinkis.


Still trying to convince my boss that I’m just using beer-flavoured toothpaste.


The people naming dinosaurs should teach the people naming hurricanes how to name stuff.


[going to the moon]

Co-astronaut: and 3…2…1…take off!

Me: oh no

Co-astronaut: what

Me: I left my coffee on top of the rocket


When asked about performing in a musical for Andrew Lloyd Webber, Meatloaf was quoted as saying “Oh I would do anything for Lloyd, but I won’t do Cats!”


My superpower is getting behind the person who is obviously refinancing their mortgage at the ATM.


Things the GOP has battled this week:

1. Ethics
2. Intelligence


The last time I twisted the night away it resulted in two law suits and a medicare plan.