I love how when you walk through a spider web, you all of the sudden know Kung Fu.
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When fireworks were invented, it was ‘hisssss’ to ‘wheeeee’ in the making.
Me: I can’t live like this anymore, I need to start eating healthier.
Also Me: I couldn’t decide between nuggets or a burger so I got both.
Podiatrists don’t use metric.
They only deal with feet.
Bought a bag of frozen chopped onions because wedding confetti should be biodegradable and bird safe.
I am waiting for the day we have a national scandal involving a gate
*looking up at the stars*
Me: look at that big one, isn’t it beautiful?
Her: *squinting* can we do this at night, instead?
Me: *tries to knock 1st kite out of tree using 2nd kite*
*gets 2nd kite stuck in tree*
Genie: please don’t w-
Me: I wish for a third kite
One day you’re young and eating hot wings, the next day you have a favorite flavor of Tums.
I wonder where the inventor of the drawing board took their failed ideas back to.
My financial situation is so bad, I’M being sponsored by a child in Africa
HOT SINGLES HAVE MIGRATED AWAY FROM YOUR AREA DUE TO CLIMATE CHANGE
yesterday at the mall a woman asked for my opinion between two men’s shirts and immediately went to check out with the one i didn’t choose
Do I want the coronavirus? No. Would I exploit the shit out of it with a daily vlog series titled “Going Viral” were I to catch it? The answer may (not) surprise you.
*7 yr old talks about red dwarfs and neutron stars for 40 minutes straight*
My mom: Wow, that’s amazing. So are you going to be an astronaut when you grow up?
7, incredulously: No, I’m going to be a ninja.
“911, what is your emergency?”
I got stuck in a beaded curtain
“Again?”
SEND HELP
What brave editor will let me publish 1,500 words on why ordering ravioli at a restaurant is a scam? The sage butter is not making up for the fact that you’re charging me $27 for 4 small dumplings.
Sounds like a bargain
Just saw a rainbow………great now the sky is gay
someone ate my burrito from the office fridge. i will level this building.
Roses are red
Violets are blue
I don’t get the concept of Beach House Hunters. You don’t have to hunt a house. Especially on the beach. It has nowhere to hide
Parents will complain about their kids wanting to read the same book every night and then go watch the office for the bajillionth time.
Mount Rushmore would be way more American if all the presidents were eating.
Your daughter seems to have nice boyfriends. They all seem to be involved in community service.
Superhero movie idea: the Avengers have to fight the evil Dr. Zoom, who traps innocent people in useless, back to back Zoom meetings.
Cobra’s try and act tough by wearing a hoodie
[while house is on fire]
Firefighter: wake up ma’am, your house is on fire.
Me: can’t you see I’m sleeping?
F: but the house is on fire.
Me: 9 out of 10 people wish to die while sleeping, and we’re most likely to die at 11 am *looks at clock* You just ruined a perfect death.
I like to sneak a donut into the salad bar so everyone will ask, “WAIT, THERE’S DONUTS?” and I say, “Sorry, last one!” and then eat it.
Me when my alarm goes off