My mom just learned how to text. And her text to me said “can you hear me?”
I love how women always smell good, and can complete you, and are sometimes wrapped in tinfoil. Wait, that’s a burrito. I love burritos.
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Flat-Earthers play basketball with a frisbee.
Friend: are you ready for our hike?
Me: *filling my camelback with french onion soup* just about
[David Attenborough watching me when I overslept and have 5 minutes to get ready for work]
Proper labeling of axes is absolutely crucial.
Nothing is better than working out to 80s music. Except listening to 80s music without working out.
“What colour would you call this?”
“What colour would you call this, o wise and beautiful identifier of colours?”
Me to my toddler: Listen up, small human. Here are some farm animal sounds you should learn to prepare you to climb the corporate ladder.
IAN: I broke my leg once
ME: I’ve never broken a bone, touch wood [touches wood]
THE UNIVERSE: THIS MAN WILL NEVER BREAK A BONE
Me: Wait, you think I’m a slow learner?
Wife: (two years earlier) Why are you such a slow learner?