Naked yoga in the backyard is the best way to get the neighbors to pay for that privacy fence.
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There are two types of people. One who likes to clean well in advance of people coming over & one who likes stuffing shit chaotically in closets as guests walk through the door.
And they marry each other.
Yesterday 4 said Stanley the snail on our outside wall was his best friend. Sadly Stanley fell off the wall overnight & showed no signs of life. I was worried how 4 would cope but turns out he’s already best friends with Mary the moth on our kitchen window. 4yos are fickle.
Number one rule as a snake charmer, never fall in love.
Friend: Why do you smell like bleach?
Me: I dribbled Sprite down my cleavage and I used a Clorox wipe to get it out.
Sexy huh?Mr. Clean: oooo baby yes
I’m writing my PhD thesis in theoretical physics and every time I have to decide between using > and < I think to myself “the crocodile wants to eat the bigger number”
uh-oh. Bad news for Trump
Looking forward to Keanu Reeves making improvements to his home in the upcoming
Matrix: Renovations
Sometimes I spend so much time on Twitter in the bathroom that I actually pee twice.
Literally no one understands something more completely than a woman in a meeting who starts a question with “Just so I understand…”
On a scale of 1 to ‘Maxi pad with wings’
How self-absorbed are you?
my wife: they don’t want you to bring anything to thanksgiving dinner
me, right in the middle of making turkey flavored ice cream: why not?
*fighting with the husband*
He: deal with it!!
Me: oh yeah??? *calls parents and invites them for a long weekend*
I like to put on a clay mask and lurk around in the background while my daughter FaceTimes her friends.
[PRESS CONFERENCE]
Me: I’m going on the record. Yes, I’d go back in time to kill a baby
Reporter: you mean Baby Hitler?
Me: sure, whoever
Bad idea? Son, I got married in my 20s. Ideas don’t get any worse than that.
Man Derives Depressing Amount Of Pride From Hometown Burger Chain
“Please bear with me” and “please bare with me” are two very different requests
Car wash vacuums can suck up old french fries, leaves, 57 cents, car keys, Ray-Bans, your first born but not that weird debris stuck in your cupholder.
my therapist gave me her cell phone number.
and I’m supposed to be the crazy one.
That awkward moment when you spend an hour online picking out a gift for your friend’s son’s birthday and Amazon tells you it’s been a year since you bought this item
me: *blows a raspberry*
raspberry: ah yea baby
me adding lol on a serious message
Me: you know, it’s only psychosis if it’s from the psychosuisse region of France. otherwise, it’s just sparkling delusions
Nurse: ma’am, it’s time for your medication
me: so hear me out, the musical cats but it’s frogs
boss: you remember getting fired yesterday right
Falling in love with some people is like hearing the theme music from Jaws, but diving in anyway, convinced you can change the shark
6yo: Your hair looks pretty every day.
Me: Well, thanks.
6yo: Can I have some chips?
Banking tips
What’s the most upsetting moment in every movie? I say it’s when the hero goes into bar and orders “a beer,” never says what kind, and the bartender doesn’t ask
Maybe the aliens read our tweets and that’s why they probe us anally because they think that’s where our brains are?