@KevinFarzad

I love how women always smell good, and can complete you, and are sometimes wrapped in tinfoil. Wait, that’s a burrito. I love burritos.

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@Manda_like_wine

My 6yo just stepped on a spider and thought she killed it, but it got up and scurried away. Her response? “Oh. My. God. It’s Spider Jesus.”

@UncleDuke1969

I woke up at 3am last night, and still half asleep, had a thought that I JUST HAD TO WRITE DOWN. Pretty sure I’d just won the Internet, I fell back asleep.

In the morning, I was greeted with this gem on my phone:

“2 ninjas are called a pair of sneakers.”

You’re all welcome.

@UncleDuke1969

Oh boy, I am desperate!
My bowels do churn.
Too many tacos!
I never will learn.
Pardon me, Sir!
I believe it’s my turn.

– Horton Has to Poo

@BuckyIsotope

“Money doesn’t grow on trees” is something rich people say so you won’t find their money trees.

@uMakeMeBad

At Walmart with a box of condoms and a Barbie play set, now I need to pick the right cashier to ensure maximum awkwardness for us both.

@KateWhineHall

Calls for kids: Nobody responds.

Gets on phone: Two kids yelling for me while fighting, the other asking what’s for dinner when it’s 9 am.

@Divergentmama

[Check engine light comes on]

Me: *pops hood – checks on engine* well you look great buddy but today did suck, let’s just see if you’re feeling better tomorrow.

@therepoguy

My dog really needs to learn how to drive a stick
because what good is fetching one bottle of vodka.

@PattiOShankable

My kids saw a painting of Jesus & both thought it was Bob Marley.

Clearly, I’m going to hell. My kids don’t know what Bob Marley looks like

@markleggett

My neighbour has been playing the bongos for over an hour, and I thought he was meditating until I heard him sing “Yeah, shake that shit…”