I love in films like 300 where the main guy will say something like “get some sleep, for tomorrow we battle to death”, and everyone just goes into deep sleep, in some wet grass, fully clothed. I can’t get to sleep in a warm bed if I have a 10am conference call about content.
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Banning us to the couch is not as bad as you believe it is ladies. It makes us feel manly. Like we’re camping. With an angry bear close by.
today a younger coworker was trying to think of the name of a singer from the olden days and yup anyway the person she was trying to remember was Mariah Carey
A conversation with your ex is a great way to clear the air, set aside hard feelings, and remind yourself why you drink.
I opened a bottle of wine to let it breathe.
It didn’t. So I gave it mouth to mouth.
fav for leaf bucket
RT for hot oil starch sticks
i’m wearing a jetpack to my job interview tomorrow so if they turn me down i can disappoint everyone there by just walking out calmly
One day they won’t want to hang with you anymore I tell myself as my kids have 47 things to tell me while I’m on the toilet.
“WE ALREADY HAVE IT!”
ME: What do we want?!
“TIME TRAVEL!”
ME: When do we–oh
king: the gods are angry with us
advisor: let’s throw a virgin into the volcano
king: how would that help
advisor: [throwing stephen in] help what
Palm trees are beautiful but you wouldn’t want one on your team in a rap battle, they’re absolutely useless at throwing shade.
HR: Do you know why you’re here?
Me: Telling my manager I was praying when he caught me sleeping?
HR:
Me: …the pro wrestling match in the cubicle?
HR:
Me: …that whole Flashdance routine at the holiday party?
HR:
Me: Maybe I should just let you tell me.
Look forward to Chick-fil-A introducing their Only Some People Are Allowed to Be Happy Meal.
I lick all the grapes at the grocery store. It’s romantic. Some stranger is going home with my kisses on their grapes.
Sometimes, late at night, I’ll look up at the stars and wonder if you’re also stealing lawn furniture.
My husband wants to make cauliflower crust pizza so now I have to run to the grocery store and find a new husband.
God: *twisting an owl* I can’t get this damn jar open
dads be like “go help your mother” bro go help your wife
serial killer: come take a ride with me to the desert
me: sure!
serial killer: r-really
me: yeah there’s no light pollution and i love astronomy
serial killer: ok but you have to ride in the tr-
me: *hopping in the trunk* to the stars!
Every time I have sex I hear sitcom laughter in my head
If there’s anything I’ve learned from Twitter, it’s that men think they hate filters but have no idea when they’re being used.
He won’t let me complain to the neighbors, so I renamed the WiFi to ‘SHUT YOUR DOG UP, DICKS’
I just discovered that first aid kits do not include slices of pizza in it and I feel so betrayed.
I recently purchased some really good kitchen knives so now I have to stock up on bandaids because I clearly don’t know how to use really good kitchen knives.
Remembering the most devastating your mum joke ever written
[watching TV]
“Buy her the perfect diamond earrings for the holidays…”
Wife: Those are perf-
Me: *changes channel*
Of course I can cook, what kind of cereal would you like
Sure, you can get your wife jewelry or an expensive purse or perfume for Christmas, but she will never forget the Christmas you got her a mop. Never.
if i could be permanently ratatouilled i would. just relinquish all control. let the rat do it. im done
The expression “you catch more bees with honey” also could imply that you may get stung by said bees.