@JennyJohnsonHi5

I love Instagram’s new direct messaging feature because I’ve always thought, “If only this picture of someone’s dinner was just for me.”

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@Brianhopecomedy

Let my 4 year old score his first goal on me in hockey & he said, “NA NA, you couldn’t stop me!” so he also received his first cross-check.

@GFGander

How crazy is it that we used to say “three and a half inch floppy” with a straight face

@lloydrang

By age 30, most men have found that one special hairstyle they want to spend the rest of their life with.

@causticbob

My wife and I have agreed on a trial separation.
The kids aren’t to keen, but my wife and I just don’t want them anymore.

@abuya_henry

8:00 am – Packs Lunch
9:00 am – Arrives at work
9:04 am – Eats Lunch

@UncleDuke1969

Motel 6: We’ll leave the light on for you.

Motel 6’s Dad: What am I, made of money?

@Home_Halfway

KIDNAPPER: Get in the trunk
ME: You’re abducting me 4 days before Christmas?
K: Heh yep
ME: Omg thank you
K: What
ME: I’m all yours
K: Wait

@mrjohndarby

[waking up on sunday morning]

me: ugh, I can’t believe what I did last night

*looks around to see piles of perfectly folded laundry*

@Midgetspar

I’m thinking about giving that Call of Duty game a shot, but first I’m gonna try one last time to get past level 4 on Duck Hunt.