I love Instagram’s new direct messaging feature because I’ve always thought, “If only this picture of someone’s dinner was just for me.”
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[planning a heist]
Guy: it’s gonna be an inside job
Me, hates going outside: nice
[The Gorge in the Pride lands]
Water buffalo 1: *tramples over Mufasa* Didn’t we go to that guy’s baby shower?
Water buffalo 2: *shrugs*
I once had a tweet go bacterial.
Bad hair day 429: I no longer look as though I’ve been electrocuted, but the birds, so, so many birds
[giving eulogy for friend i let borrow my jacket] ill tell you what i miss most
Noah’s wife: r u joking right now?
Noah: my hands are tied babe
Noah’s Wife: but.. we’re married?
Noah: I’m sorry but he said 2 of each species
Noah’s mate Dave: [pushing past with an xbox] If only there was another way
Oh no. My girlfriend sold her hair to buy me a pocket watch chain and I also bought myself a pocket watch chain.
FBI PROFILER, LOOKING AT PHOTOS OF MY HOUSE: White male, mid-30s, doesn’t have a lot of friends or close associations, probably read a lot about serial killers as a kid, eats a lot of bullshit food, no real skills
ME: I’m right here
FBI PROFILER: Talks like an idiot
don’t worry about why I watched your story within 5 seconds of it being up, worry about why you’re checking your views within 5 seconds of posting.
LOL pills that say don’t take with alcohol. Ok Doc, how do YOU
suggest I take my medication then?
imagining a gas station in the 1800s but it’s guys parking their horses as they eat some grain and the guys complain about the price of the grains
[Speed dating]
Me: Have you won any awards for playing the Quiet Game?
Him:…
Me: Next!
My kid asking me to put on some terrible youtube channel
Grandmother: “So what is Skype?”
*Explains in great detail on how it works*
“So do I need a computer for it?”
“I JUST…how’s your cat?”
Amazed that my wife didn’t tell me that today our 8YO had a school field trip, for which both of us got multiple email reminders
As you get older you’re supposed to find younger generations kind of scary, but how the fuck am I supposed to be intimidated by anyone who says “seggs” instead of sex.
People who buy copious amounts of everything before a blizzard: Is there nothing in your house every other day of the year?
him: how have you been improving yourself with all this free time during quarantine? i’ve been exercising more and eating better
me: [has forgotten the definition of 83 common words, what traffic light colors mean what, my phone number] simplifying
*Naming my child*
WIFE: What’s the girl version of Matt?
ME:… Mattress?
Some days you’re the dodgeball, some days you’re the face
My kids all went to bed without being asked so I’m interrogating them all to see who did what.
Eventually they’ll break.
You know you’re a parent when solitary confinement sounds like a reward not a punishment.
I secretly replaced my husbands coffee with the empty toilet paper roll he left in the bathroom. Let’s see if he notices.
gonna make a dog training school and call it harvard so people who went to harvard always have to say “no the one for people”
Do I need to look nice or can I go as the sewer rat that I am?
– How I ask what the dress code is.
I’m too lazy to try the Marie Kondo method. I’m pinning my hopes on a robbery.
I made the mistake of telling my son I found a hair on my chin and now he keeps calling me Pops
This girl text me: “your adorable
I text back: no YOU’RE adorable
Now she likes me and I was just pointing out her typo…
If you ever want your phone to ring just try to take a nap, it’s science
“There are hot Shingles in your area”
– My Doctor