Let my 4 year old score his first goal on me in hockey & he said, “NA NA, you couldn’t stop me!” so he also received his first cross-check.
I love Instagram’s new direct messaging feature because I’ve always thought, “If only this picture of someone’s dinner was just for me.”
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How crazy is it that we used to say “three and a half inch floppy” with a straight face
By age 30, most men have found that one special hairstyle they want to spend the rest of their life with.
My wife and I have agreed on a trial separation.
The kids aren’t to keen, but my wife and I just don’t want them anymore.
8:00 am – Packs Lunch
9:00 am – Arrives at work
9:04 am – Eats Lunch
My house is really small until I can’t find my phone.
Motel 6: We’ll leave the light on for you.
Motel 6’s Dad: What am I, made of money?
KIDNAPPER: Get in the trunk
ME: You’re abducting me 4 days before Christmas?
K: Heh yep
ME: Omg thank you
ME: I’m all yours
[waking up on sunday morning]
me: ugh, I can’t believe what I did last night
*looks around to see piles of perfectly folded laundry*
I’m thinking about giving that Call of Duty game a shot, but first I’m gonna try one last time to get past level 4 on Duck Hunt.