How are they committing internet crimes from the space station when I can’t get a decent signal in my kitchen.
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I laughed at this way too hard.
There’s a disturbance in the coffee.
No one in movies or TV shows ever properly freak out when they see someone eat sauce off a wooden spoon then put the spoon that they just licked back in the sauce.
me to a cat or dog: and are you the best baby? the fluffiest? are you the babiest baby of them all? do you get stopped every day and asked about how it feels to be a baby?
me to a real, human baby: good afternoon. i appreciate your small shoes.
[bank]
Robber: EVERYONE GET DOWN!
Me: [crying] my wife left & my kids think I’m a joke
Robber: No I mean-
Robber2: Wait! Let him finish
Luke is so old now he just uses the Force to keep the neighborhood kids off his lawn
[Masterchef]
Gordon Ramsay: describe the dish
Me: *proudly* ceramic, chef
Litter boxes are bullshit man. Those cats aren’t littering they’re shittin’ man.
WRITER: It’s a kids movie about a woman trying to kill & skin a puppy.
PRODUCER: That’s horrific!
W: What if it was 101 puppies?
P:…Go on
My friends are like “hey come camping with us this weekend” & I’m like “I can’t, I have to get new friends”
The fact that Zillow isn’t a pillow company is a goddamn tragedy, it’s a pillow plus zzz!
Im bored… I think I’ll go to the mall, find a great parking spot and sit in my car, with the reverse lights on…
me: my fish is very dry
waiter: yes, we had to take him out of the water
me: smart
Cars come with warnings to check the back seat for babies now.
I always do and frankly, I’ll be lowkey terrified if I ever find one.
Arrange marriage are scary. What if my husband doesn’t like my boyfriend? 🙄
[An old thermometer breaks scattering mercury beads all over the floor]
“Get out of here, NOW!”
“Why?”
“HAVEN’T U SEEN TERMINATOR 2?”
Ladies, if he:
– only wants to hang out when he’s drunk
– never brings you around his friends
– fingers on his head
– no legs or feet
– always trying to sell you pastaHe’s not your man. He’s the hamburger helper glove
quitting my job before Christmas and starting a new one on January 2 was a great decision because I have no emails to respond to
If you do blood curdling screams and run your fastest zig zag patterns I bet you could make it out of a store with at least forty seven eggs
How to lose a gf:
Gf: which of my friends would be the most fun to have a 3some with?
Me: *names two of them*
me: haha no I’m not ready to have kids yet
landlord: no not parent, “pay rent.”
me: don’t get me started. i’m not compensated well at work whatsoever.
landlord: NO NOT PAY RANT!
*Bat signal lights up Gotham*
Mothra: GODDAMNIT *just flies straight into it*
Why do you guys take your keys out just leave them in the ignition so you’ll never misplace them
CW: What’s your middle name?
Me: It’s Mike.
CW: Oh. Well, what is your first name?
Me: I don’t have one.
[during sex]
ME: I’m Italian, how about you?
HER: Finnish
ME: Ok sure just give me a second
just got divorced on zoom in a dunkin donuts, the way the lord intended
I was so happy when I got my first washer dryer, now, 3 kids and a puppy later, nothing short of my own laundromat would excite me
Never ghost your hitman.
[restaurant]
WIFE: Sorry I snapped at you. I’m a little grumpy.
ME: It’s okay. You have your period, which means your hormones are-[one hour later]
DOCTOR: Mansplaining?
ME: *nods*
DOCTOR: Alright, It’s gonna sting a little when I pull the salad fork out.
wow the language they speak in the uk sounds almost exactly like english