Do you ever look at someone and think “god, you’re so amazing” I mean even when they’re sleeping and you’re hidden in their closet…
I love it when I see an old friend I haven’t seen in years and pretend to not see them
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her: what shall we eat tonight? any ideas?
me: I’ll just call the pizza guy
pizza guy: you could make a nice lasagna
me: love it
message to the girl on the skateboard who almost rode into me because she was taking an enormous bite of a hotdog and not paying attention: i love you. you are my wife now. i will never hurt you.
If a genie granted me 3 wishes I’d ask for unlimited wishes, then I’d probably take a nap
luke: yoda, i wish for…….. your freedom
yoda: i’m not a genie. i’m a person like you. i just look really weird
Rumor has it, that if you look up from your phone you can see all kinds of pretty colors in the trees this time of year.
I’m a spitting image of Ryan Gosling. Like if Ryan Gosling were to spit and look at his reflection in it, that would be me.
I used to think LOL meant lots of love.
Oh! You’re Aunt died? So sorry. LOL!
Took me years to rebuild friendships.
NORTH CAROLINA:We believe in family values.
ME:Like Disney movies?
ME:Like Mulan, where a cross dresser saves China?
“Order now and receive 50% off The Clapper. CLAP ON.. CLAP OFF.. THE CLAPPER”
Tyrannosaurus rex: *Sighs… *Changes channel