I love it when waiters tell me to tell them when to stop grating cheese on my meal.
It’s cheese, dude. We’ll be here a while.
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They say ‘No news is good news,’ but I think it just means I have a lazy paperboy.
It’s been a good 12 months for dogs
My wife is mad at me because I gave up looking for one particular black sock in a basket full of socks and after having pulled 7 different black socks out I quit.
[watching The Silence of the Lambs]
Me: Hear that?
Her: No
Me [trying to impress her, leaning in close]: That’s the lambs
Elevator sex is a logistical nightmare on many levels.
this kangaroo looks like it smells like AXE body spray
Satan [reading Chicken Soup for the Soul]: wtf this isn’t a cookbook
guy who invented the wheel: one day everyone’s going to remember my name
Ah, summer break. When I leave for work my teenagers are sleeping and when I get home from work, my teenagers are sleeping.
There’s no way to look cool when the doctor walks into your exam room just as you’re blowing up a rubber glove.
On tonight’s episode of Catfish, Cathy finds out she’s been in an online relationship with a pineapple.
My wife calls it “silent treatment”. I call it “attractive disagreement period”.
The human mind is capable of things you can’t even imagine.
Which is a bit of a design flaw really.
[being seated for blind date]
her: have you ever been on one of these before
me: yeah I love chairs
i’m angry no one’s ever pranked me by having 10 pizzas delivered that i didn’t order
HUSBAND: What should Santa get you for Christmas?
ME: A tennis ball machine filled with mini donuts?
HUSBAND: Powdered or chocolate?
ME: I love you.
Kidnappers: We have your husband. Send us $10,000 if you ever want to see him again.
Me: Where I should drop off his clothes?
Me: Hi. I can’t take your call right now but please leave a message.
CW: I’m standing right in front of yo…
Me: BEEEEEEEEEEEEP
friend: “ok, when does a joke become a ‘dad joke’?”
me, with no hesitation: “when it becomes apparent”
the mother-in-law left yesterday.
this month has been the longest two years of my life.
DATING TIP: When your crush texts you, win them over by playing hard to get. Throw your phone in a river. Change your name. Move to Belgium.
How does my kids bathroom always look like a crime scene where someone was murdered with toothpaste
My husband: Okay, bye! I’m headed to play golf.
My kid: bye, Dada! I love you! We’ll always have our memories.
I’ve reached a tipping point in life where my interest in baked goods is greater than my interest in men and I’m calling this new chapter doughs before bros
God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, courage to change the things I can, and the confidence of this woman at Starbucks who just pretended to have a dog so she could get a free cup of whipped cream.
There’s something twisted about being woken up at 5 am by a child who wants to congratulate you for “being a good sleeper”
To inspire all the wonderful women of Twitter I’m sending you all good vibes today. Tomorrow I will ship the batteries.
It’s the embarrassment, not the blunt force trauma that kills you when you’re hit by a Smart car.
EAT YOUR VEGETABLES!
-a mother who hasn’t eaten a vegetable that isn’t a potato in the last year.