“I love it when we finish each other.”
“You mean: other’s sentences?”
“No.”
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I let an AT&T Customer Service Representative call me Brenda for a half hour because I was too embarrassed to correct him
Me: I can do whatever I want through Christ who strengthens me
Attorney: ok but again, as your lawyer I strongly advise you to not say that in court
[family WhatsApp group]
me: I’ll visit this weekend
dad: OK
mom is typing…
mom is typing…
mom is typing…
mom is typing…
mom is typing…
mom is typing…
mom is typing…
mom is typing…
mom is typing…
mom is typing…
mom is typing…mom: bring a sweater, it’s cold
When you’re cutting wrapping paper and your scissors start to glide is what I imagine heroin feels like.
Eternal damnation for the sorry acquaintance who cons you into watching his favorite film and keeps looking to see if you’re reacting.
[googles “camaflage spiders”]
-no results-
phew.
wait…
[googles “camouflage spiders”]
-11,345,453 results-
motherf
I asked my husband to put honey on the shopping list and now it’s all sticky
me: you can get hurt when you don’t listen. daddy and I watched a show last night about a kid who lost his eye because he was being bad
6: what happened?!
me: well, he stole a dragon but that’s not the point
Finally found the perfect background for my zoom meetings
Remember when we used to eat cake after someone blew all over it?
Good times.
Got fired from my job at Footlocker for trying to feed myself to the crocs.
My daughter is taking a bath and asking me to bring her Camping Barbie and every time I present a Barbie to her she says “No, CAMPING Barbie.” She is growing frustrated. I don’t know what to do. All of the Barbies are naked.
I start, but can rarely complete my paintings and sculptures, for I am a master of the partial arts.
The few days after Halloween are the best. Everything’s on sale. I’ve already eaten 11 costumes
*nothing on the kitchen table*
*nothing on the living room floor*
*nothing on the coffee table*
*nothing on the dining room table*
7yo: *builds 2,000-piece lego set at the bottom of the stairs*
[In the beginning, God created the heavens and earth…]
EARTH: yo
GOD: what?
EARTH: send nudes
GOD: *creates Adam & Eve*
EARTH: nice
genie: you get three wishes
me: i wish you were terrible at math
genie: ok you’re out of wishes
me: wait no
Can’t, my 1yo is taking me rock tasting
“Age ain’t nothing but a number.” Bro, age is a word.
Im bored… I think I’ll go to the mall, find a great parking spot and sit in my car, with the reverse lights on…
Cop said that it’s illegal for me to have flashing lights & siren on my car.
I looked at his car and said are you going to arrest yourself?
[gets invited to a party where kids are welcome]
*me to my baby goat* This is your moment to shine!
Abundance: what a man with a manbun does when he hears music.
Oops I accidentally set the east coast to sepia
NOBODY:
AMERICAN: *deep fries a hippo*
Remember that tiny bit of constructive feedback that you went out of your way to specifically tell me not to take personally? You’re not gonna believe this.
[Whole Foods]
ME: Where are all the donuts?
CASHIER: We uh…we don’t sell donuts
ME: Well what other hole foods are there?!
🎵 You make me feel like I’ve been locked out of heaven 🎵
Jesus: “We talked about this, Lucifer.”
On your deathbed tell everyone “pray for me” then make sure to leave a note to be opened after you die that says “pray harder next time”
*gets dragged out of daycare* DON’T LISTEN TO THEM! IT’S NOT A CHOO-CHOO! IT’S A SPOON!! IT’S STRAINED CARROTS IN A SPOO