Saw Interstellar over the weekend & was totally glued to my seat. The movie was OK but the getting-glued-to-my-seat thing ruined it for me.
I love it when websites pop up a box to make me subscribe to read, and I always enter my real email address because it’s important.
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If an Elvis impersonator dies, doesn’t he kind of become the best Elvis impersonator
I drink coffee because I don’t think I would do well going to prison for murder.
This guy’s shirt said ‘blink if you want me’ and now my eyes are watering and I need to close them but ohmygod you guys I DO NOT WANT HIM
I’ve been on my best behavior ever since the words “you can be charged as an adult” applied to me
A 23-yr-old woman in India fought off an adult tiger with a stick
My cat stole my tuna sandwich right out of my hand
God: Noah, I need an ark.
Noah: Why don’t you ask Joseph, the carpenter?
God: Uh [huge grin] cos I’m banging his wife? [raises hand] up top?
St. Peter: “Spock?”
Leonard Nimoy: “I’m Leonard. Spock was just a character I played on TV.”
St. Peter: “HEY EVERYBODY! IT’S SPOCK!”
Day 27 without sports:
Hesitated for an inappropriately long moment before intervening in my kid’s living room brawl.
“I know what you look like naked” – me to my girlfriends identical twin sister, every single time I see her.