I love it when websites pop up a box to make me subscribe to read, and I always enter my real email address because it’s important.
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There are two types of people in the world, those who sweat when eating spicy food and those whose nose drips when eating spicy food.
Took the road less travelled after telling the wife that we didn’t need to stop and ask for directions.
If you need to rush somewhere, carry a fire extinguisher. Nobody will stop a person running with a fire extinguisher.
A man walked by me at the grocery store and said, “are you talking to the soup cans?” And I was like, “sorry, soup cans, I have to answer this idiot.”
My dog crosses her paws regally while lying on the floor, like she didn’t just eat the contents of the bathroom trash can.
calling the number on a missing cat flyer and meowing
My car is saying it needs another oil change even though I literally got one in 2020. This is how the auto industry gets you.
Here are 5 things you should know about me:
1. I’m very secretive
#TT
At 14 I yelled, “You’ll NEVER understand Morrissey,dad!!” and tried to run dramatically out of the room but ran into a wall & fell over.
I wasn’t invited to the #MetGala this year so I’m making my own at home
NRA member: I’ve got guns. I’m in charge.
Me: That’s nice. I’ve got bubonic plague – “cough, cough” – now you do, too.
I win.
The deep ocean is so mysterious. Sharks and octopuses could be down there having dance battles and we’d never know. We’d never know.
Any time a car with its hazards on passes me, I panic thinking I’ve wandered into a funeral procession and now I have to lie to a dead stranger’s family.
When people complain that all Cristiano Ronaldo does is score goals, I don’t understand.
What do you want him to do?
Fry yam?
Boss: How is the project coming along?
Me:*closing browser of sick kick flip videos* Totally rad…icalizing our sales data analysis, Sir.
*catwoman struggles into suit*
*catwoman realises she needs to pee*
*crie*
Trump: “I’m going to make sure we let in less immigrants.”
Pence: “Fewer!”
Trump: “Shhh, don’t call me that yet.”
Oh no, I’m taking the entire package of snacks with me when I go back to the couch.
“This just in..”
My foot to my mouth.
#BadTimeTravelAdvice Plague, shmlague. 13th century Europe is where it’s at!
[On date]
Her – “so your profile said you like classical music? I love Mozart & Bach, how about you?”
Me – “Jurassic Park theme”
Life is good! Just waiting for my ship to come in!
*Gets on Twitter*
*Looks up as ship is sailing off*
Ever feel like you have one foot in a canoe and the other on a banana peel?
If I had a time machine I would go back to the Star Wars era and kill baby Darth Vader
Pastor: He is risen!
Me: Who?
Pastor: Jesus
Me: Jesus who?
Pastor: Jesus Christ
Me: Look, dude, there’s no reason to get angry.
i accidentally became friends with a coworker in their twenties. newsflash: they do not cancel plans at the last minute like ppl in their thirties.
*throws caution to the wind*
*blows right back into face*
Having one bathroom in your house teaches you that it is possible to hate a person because of a bathroom.
I feel melancoll, meloncholl, melancholl, meloncholy, you know what, I’m good.
Just saw a large group of 20 yr olds saying a blessing before eating.
Then I realized they were all just looking at their phones.