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My doctor’s office just called to confirm my Pap smear tomorrow. They told me I’m not allowed to bring any guests. So if I had previously invited you to this incredibly invasive procedure, unfortunately I have to uninvite you. Sorry.
You make me want to be a better home and garden.
[ouija board]
“Spirits are u there?
I A M H E R E. Y O U W A N N A T A L K? Y O U W A N N A H A N G O U T?
[squints]
“A needy board?”
Just parrot things
If by “morning person” you mean I wake up at 4 am staring into the inky blackness imagining horrific outcomes then yes I’m a morning person.
8, peering closely at me: what’s that?
Me: my necklace
8: How do you know?
friend: they say pennywise takes form of your greatest fear
[later]
tv: the big bang theory marathon starts now!
me: holy shit it’s him
[worried my date might be getting bored so i turn my video game difficulty from easy to hard]
Me: Can you think of anything else I should add to the cart?
Husband: Nope. You’ve got it all.
Me: <send>
Husband: Oh, you know what else we could use —
Fight club but just dueling neighbor’s aggressively leaf blowing leaves onto each other’s lawns.
I have almost 120,000 miles on my office chair.
Me: Did you know a cockroach can live for weeks with no head?
Him: That’s nothing. Husbands sometimes go for years.
Kids look forward to recess.
Adults look forward to Reese’s.
I reached for my best friend and she wasn’t there. But then I realized I set my coffee down on my right side, not my left, so I’m OK now.
My date didn’t go as planned and now I don’t know what to do with this kiddie pool full of nacho cheese.
My hips don’t lie because they be like, “Fool, you gonna need some ibuprofen tonight after thinking you could play tag with your kids.”
I love to run. Around the house. Chasing my toddler. Because she took my iced coffee.
I have a thing for older men. Not cuz I have ‘daddy issues’, but because I also like to eat dinner at 4:30 and be asleep by 8pm.
This is a bad idea on so many levels.
[woken up by barking]
wife: oh god it’s an intruder!
me: sssshhh [listens carefully] no, it’s definitely a dog
Just called the bank for my account info and a voice whispered ‘If you break the pack in half, Ramen noodles can last you two days.’
A haunted house but it’s just your cubicle and your boss is inviting you to a team building exercise.
Her: I don’t like you drinking vodka straight.
Me: Well, I can put on skinny jeans and purple V-neck to gay it up a little bit.
I’m two types of woman. One who is extremely hard on herself & one who can’t stop giggling because she just said hard on.
I couldn’t remember the word tumbleweed
Boss: My door is always open
Me: I know and it makes it really hard for me to leave work early
My goal weight is for it not to look like I’m having a stroke when I yawn.
We can’t afford to take our kids to a corn maze this year so we’re just going to take them to an IKEA instead.
My toddler punched me in the eye, then made me kiss his hand, ’cause his fist hurt. And he’ll hear about it every Mother’s Day until I die.
Reasons I wish I was an octopus:
1. I could hold every slice of a pizza.
2. 8 votes at the PTA meeting.
3. Stop sign hugs.