Lady: Help!! My husband isn’t breathing!
Doctor: LET ME PAST *elbows his way through the crowd* I’ve never seen anyone die before
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[tries to blow a kiss]
Kiss: I have a boyfriend
No you cannot have candy until you finish your spoonful of Nutella is apparently something I say now
If you’re walking around with a toothpick in your mouth you may think you look cool but we’re all just worrying about you tripping
GPS: left—left again—take another left—ur gonna want to take this left—stay left
NASCAR DRIVER: why is there a gps in here
Me, wearing face mask. Flight attendant: “are you gonna be like this all night?” Me: “yes!! It’s the best mask ever. From Korea. Collagen! Ugh it’s called….Let me get the package out of the trash so you can see ok one sec” flight attendant: “no I just mean like, awake”
6 months ago I started a journey to transform my body to prove that anything was possible. You have to want it. You have to wake up everyday and put in the work and thats why I haven’t started.
Pigeons imply the existence of pigcenturies and pigmillennia.
*catching up with an old friend* So how’s your gut fauna?
Me: Would you like a sample?
Boss: What are you doing?
Me: Handing out free samples.
Boss: No, you’re supposed to take samples from people, not hand them out!
Me: This is a weird Costco.
Boss: This is a sperm bank and you’re fired.
[on date]
Ok, don’t let her know ur a vampire.
Her: I think I’ll have a steak.
A STAKE??
[turns into bat and flies away]
[trying to fit in with people at the gym]
me: *takes a big swig of gatorade* wow you can really taste the gator
Your pancakes will never taste as good as the ones your mother made because those pancakes had a secret ingredient, which is that you were six years old.
My wife said if she heard me chewing one more time, she was going to murder me. So I stole the batteries from her hearing aids.
you shouldn’t drink white wine with fish because they can’t hold the glass in their little fins
She was rare. Like a rap collab in a pop song that made sense.
Once my husband had me watch a video of “the most amazing guitar player ever,” and I patiently watched in silence until the video was over before disclosing that I had dated the guy. It was an awesome moment.
I disabled the reminder beep on my microwave months ago, because what kind of idiot forgets food. Tonight I found my would’ve been breakfast burrito in the microwave. So…yeah.
*makes breakfast for two
*eats both of them
Pro tip: when you have a drug test and they tell you to go to the bathroom in the cup, that means PEE. Always.
Me: Quick question: Did you ask me to help raise your baby, or help “braise” your baby?
Her: Are you grilling something out back? That smells delicious
Me: Please answer my question first
Does WebMD ever just say “you’re fine, there’s nothing wrong with you, go play outside you drama queen?”
Melo: “What I gotta do to get signed?”
NBA:
Oh, the other kind of staff meeting.
*Gets dressed.
I smoked e-cigs for so long that I got e-cancer. I’m ok though, I just swallowed a Norton Antivirus cd and it cleared things up.
the most dangerous dog breed is probably the Crime Lab
The calories in food given to you by someone else don’t count, right?
me: *sees bags of soil stacked in garden center
brain: slap ‘em, slap ‘em hard
My staunch refusal to procreate has deprived some very competent therapist of a vacation home.
*sees co-worker outside of work, hisses like a cat*
I just googled “jokes to tell right before you die” and if that doesn’t tell you what kind of person I am, I don’t know what does.